Posts tagged ‘homosexuality ‘
I have seen few people who have pretended to be as happy as B. Scott pretends like he is. When I was in ‘the life’ I thought I was happy too. But I never pretended as I was over joyed with it. Over a period of time I just came to accept it… which I guess if you finally settle upon ‘this is who I am’ you tend to do. You just start to accept it.
Though I have seen thousands of gay guys and women act like they were super dupper happy being gay. Then I had seen many of them when the tears came because they wished they could be like everyone else.
When I watched this video on YouTube by B. Scott… the 1 below… it really prompted me to write this blog. Because there were a few things that he said that really gave me insight as to who he is… and why.
(I’ve got to find the right video) But in the YouTube video I saw where B. tells of how people used to say to him when he was a little boy, ‘You so pretty you should have been born a girl.’
In hearing that it made me think of my son, who at the age of 13… 1 day broke down and started crying saying to me that I would never be a grandmother. Then he said that he must be ‘gay’ because everyone told he that.
How could I defeat what he was saying?
At the time I was not saved. I was speechless and did not know what to say. I was shocked.
I must confess to being 1 of those gay mothers who was seriously homophobic… terribly. But I never pushed my thoughts nor my fears over onto my son. Well, I hope not… certainly never intentionally. But there was a period in my life when he could nothing right. I hollered at him about everything. I did not realize that I was doing that though until a woman who was part of my film shoot on my short film… a niece to Florida of ‘Good Times’… pointed it out to me and talked to me about it. She said, ‘Why are you always yelling at him?’
I never realized that I did. But I am glad she brought it to my attention. I might have drove my son away… but thank God that did not happened. That big headed boy took me out to dinner last night… to very expensive sea food restaurant that we both like. But I do not love him because he treats me to thing… or buys me stuff… I love him because he is ‘my son.’ And I thank God for him.
I had never heard anyone call him that… that word… ‘gay.’ Though I think they were careful not to do so while I was around… as I would not have liked it. Though I must say that at an early age I started to feel like I was seeing certain signs of it. But here is where I want to tell you how the devil works.
You are not seeing anything that the devil has not put in your mind. Your young children know nothing about sex… but the devil will toy with your brain and make you believe you are seeing things which are not there.
You don’t believe me????
Let me share with you this. One night while in my apartment in downtown Brooklyn…. as I was leaving the living room to go towards my bedroom I looked down at the floor. Upon looking down I saw the floor was covered with large water bugs everywhere. I mean swarming with them everywhere. I quickly looked up and said to myself, ‘the devil is a liar.’
I don’t know where that came from… but that is what I said. Then I looked back down at the floor and there were no water bugs anywhere. It had all been a figment of my imagination… brought about from the devil knowing that I had a fear of those things. Which came about by the fact that occasionally I would see a water bug in my apartment… something that my landlord refused to believe.
But that night the devil had decided that he was going to drive me mad… meaning crazy by presenting to me a ton of those horrible things crawling all over my apartment floor around me… and they covered my entire apartment floor. But I did not go crazy. God kept my mind… because He did not let me fall for it. I merely shut my eyes for whatever reason… (as I did not know it was God’s doing at the time)… I just started believing that they were not there. You would have had to seen them. They were so real.
This is how I know that people can see things… which look as real as anything you can touch or feel… and it not really be there. It was just something that the devil presented to me… and had made it appear real to me because he knew I was afraid of those things. Of which New York seems to me have quite a few of them.
The woman in the above link killed her 4 year old son because she believed he was gay. The devil truly had her mind that she would have done such an insane thing. But he does and can plants seeds in your head… and make you see and hear things which are not really there. And if you are not careful… and you let them take root in you… you will believe what the devil has planted and will act out in whatever way he wants you to.
What does having a jump rope in your hand have to do with being gay?
So, what if a little boy wants to jump rope. It does not mean he wants to grow long hair and become a girl.
But my friend did not realize that she was planting seeds… that 1 day would grown into just what she was asking for.
I had wanted to badly to tell her that what she and other members in her family were doing to him in regards to calling her grandson a ‘girl’… or saying to him had some ‘girl in him’ was wrong. But I knew they would not listen to me… so I did not. But now in hindsight I realized I should have tried …if for no other reason other than for her grandson’s sake.
We must speak LIFE to your children. And do not let anyone speak DEATH to them… not even in joking. Calling your boy child a girl is speaking death to him… or your girl child a boy. Don’t do it. Encourage them to have fun… let them enjoy themselves as children without you putting all your own sexual hangups upon them.
So, when I watched and listened to the above video of B. Scott I realized just how he had come to be and why. I understand him… not so much because of what my son had said to me. But because I understand how little children can become confused as to who they are if people keep pushing them in some other direction by saying ignorant things to them that makes them believe what people are saying about them. And I guess that does kind of fit directly with what my son had said to me.
My entrance into ‘the life’ was very different… it had nothing to do with anyone calling me a ‘boy.’ Because frankly I never looked like 1… nor did I ever want to be 1. Though I wasn’t much of a baby doll playing little girl either. I don’t think I tried climbing trees… but I did try my hand at trying to fix a couple of things when I was young.
But being the oldest my youth was superseded by my having to learn how to do things at an early age… like washing dishes. I do not know how old I was when my father pushed a chair up to the kitchen sink… but that was the beginning of my years of me being our family dishwasher. Then I was taught how to cook… and the list goes on and on…
I was introduced to sex at a very early age. Not via any family members but outside of our home. Only twice had it happened. But it happened before I had a voice or knew I had a voice or any idea of what was happening. That is not to say I was an infant. I was just a very young innocent child of maybe 6…7… or 8. And the 2 times it happened they happened at varying times… not close or together. Maybe a year or so apart… can’t remember that part.
I made mention on 1 of the times in 1 of my other blogs not so long ago. It was a time that I almost got gang raped… but God said ‘no.’ That was the first time that someone took advantage of me. But those 2 experiences marked my life forever… and how I think and feel about people who take advantage or abuse children.
But contrary to what many people may say or think… sexual preference many times may not have anything to do with what you were indoctrinated to… or let me say it this way first introduced to sexually.
Though I have spoken to many gay guys and they had the opposite experience… and some women too. It did lead them into a life of homosexuality. And a lot of times it happened to them with someone who took advantage of them sitting in some position in the church… lived in their apartment building… was a close friend to their mother or father… and ‘yes’ even sometimes it was a relative… or a daughter or a son of the 1 their parent’s friend. One of my times was such a case as that. My mother must have known… as she never went to visit that friend ever again.
But going back to this guy B. Scott in watching his videos I felt sorry for him… because I understood him in ways that many people will never get to. And I also recognized his gaiety… or supposed happiness… really to be his sadness.
Love you, B. Scott. And hoping that 1 day God will do a work in your life like he did in mine. I hope the same for my son…. and the many sons and daughters dealing with identity problems… issues… or sexual confusion.
And I hope your laughter and smiles will become ‘real’… and turn into a joy that surpasses all understanding 1 day.
And that 1 day you will look into a mirror and see how really handsome you are… and start loving the ‘real’ you’ and not that the ones who were agents of devil told you were… but who God really made you to be.
Well, God bless…. I am really supposed to be doing something else right now. But I just wanted to take the time to do this blog really quickly. I hope that it falls upon fertile ground…
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2014
Add a comment April 17, 2014
And guess what?
I still don’t know who she is. I am not really all into the music scene like I used to be. Somebody says ‘concert’ to me I look the other way say, ‘Oh, I can’t stand the noise.’
Well, I’ve gotten older.
But she… this Diana King does kindda looks familiar to me for some reason… but I don’t know how. I think because she reminds me of this lady who rides the bus… they look similar.
I gave up listening to the radio for the most part years ago. Because when I listen to radio I am literally working. When you come from an industry you view everything within the eyes of that industry.
So, when I hear radio… I see the disc jockey… radio announcer (as I like to be called if you have to call me at all)… or DJ… Well, I hear everything you don’t… I hear the segways… the music mixes… their voice… what they say… in ways that a regular normal listener doesn’t. And the same thing happens to me when I go see a movie.
A movie has to be very good in order to draw me into the storyline within the first few minutes of its beginning… other than that I’m looking at how a scene was lit… the camera angle… the type of shot …the sound effects and audio mix down etc..etc…etc..
So, I guess you get the point. I am a professional… and as a professional in these industries we just hear it and see it very different from lay people.
So, this Diana King… at first I thought it was Oprah’s friend. Because you know the rumors about her and her friend. So, I thought it was Gail and not ‘Diana’ King at first that people were trying to find out more about. And I was thinking that maybe they had discovered that Gail ‘really’ was a lesbian. But… the search was for this woman Diana… I got the names twisted.
Apparently popular in the reggae world, Diana is a dance hall girl. I guess that means she shaked a lot of her back side. And ‘yes’ if you were 1 of those looking, Diana did recently come out as being gay.
Personally, with that tattoo in the middle of her forehead she looks satanic to me. And she looks much older than her girlfriend.
Which means nothing to me… because I am not familiar with her. But I will tell you that I was slightly surprised about Robin Roberts from the ‘Good Morning America’ Show coming out. I never quite thought that about her… not that it really matters what I thought.
Oh, I knew she had once been a basketball player and all that… and many of the women in the league are gay. But I never thought it about Robin. But she too recently came out… having been with her lover for the past 10 years.
Though I must say… I was a wee bit taken back when my girl Cheryl Swoops left her husband and married her girlfriend some few years back. To me Cheryl had to have been the all time best female basketball player of all times. I think she is coaching now. But my goodness what a player she was…
I know you are probably waiting for me to begin 1 of my stories about having been ‘in the life‘… gay some years ago. Well, I don’t think I’m going to say much on it today. Except I had… but thank goodness I am now redeemed. And I am so glad about it.
Thank goodness God desired me… even when I wasn’t thinking about Him.
It amazes me how many comments I have gotten over Deitrick. These women sound like they hate me.
What have I done?
Deitrick doesn’t need me to do him in… he is doing a fine job of it for himself. He appears to be someone who will do whatever it takes to get you some exposure… good or bad. Nobody takes nude pictures and sends them to someone without believing they may show up somewhere.
Can’t believe Deitrick stuff is all over the internet… if it really is his. This whole Hollywood thing of exposing yourself or some video of you having sex is making me sick.
And that formula works. These people exactly get deals… and contracts behind doing indecent things.
Who ever heard of that Kardashen woman until that nasty video?
Just heard that Serena Williams just beat another victim on the tennis court. The girl is too fierce… as Patti LaBelle would say.
I think it is marvelous the depth and width of her ability to do what she does… even when she is not feeling 100 … or the ‘nay’ sayers count her out. And that is when both she and Venus really show them what they are made of.
Serena keeps racking up the wins.. demolishing the records and still can’t get the endorsement deals. I wish I owned some major corporation… because she would definitely be my spokes woman. But those people won’t do it.
Well, I have over spent my time… time for me to get up out here now….
It has started to rain. A refreshing change to saying ‘it snowing now.’
My phone dropped and broke. The store had me call these claim people for a new phone. They told me that they didn’t have my phone in stock so they were going to up grade me to the Samsung Note 3?
But you know what I really liked my phone. And particularly after I went and checked on the cost of my phone… which the woman told me was 3 hundred and something… and this new up-grade was 6 hundred and something.
Yeah, but I really like my phone… especially since the woman told me that I would have pay a $150 for this new phone. I had forgotten I had only paid $50 for mines. And guess what… when I went back to the store that phone was still $50. Forget the deductible… I want my old phone because the way I see it… those claims people are charging 3 times as much to replace it. When I can just walk into the store and buy it again at the $50 price.
Forget the deductible… I know when I am coming out ahead.
So, I have been trying to reach these claim people. And guess what?
They won’t answer.
Well, God bless…. hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2014
Add a comment March 29, 2014
It appears that my gospel blogs… or blogs about preachers or gospel music personalities etc. are infinitely more popular than most of my other blogs lately. I find that to be interesting.
Though that blog I wrote on that father who had impregnated 3 of his own daughters has been right up there since I posted that blog. However, that story was sick. But perhaps you like sick. If so, then you are sure to get a kick out of this… though I must say it is not funny at all… and really not something to get a kick out of… nor meant to be. But it appears that these kind of shocking stories today are more and more appealing to some people… and very appalling to many of us. Here is 1 that I have been thinking about since I read the story a week or so ago over the internet.
It is about some man in Boston who they tracked down via his internet content. He was… I guess greatly into child pornography. He had posted that he was into rapping and eating children… eating as in ‘eating chicken’… cannibalism. Needless to say I am so happy that they caught him. But I could not help but wonder if the man had carried out any of what he had posted about.
Based upon his web content and various magazines and pictures of children that the police had found in his home, the man was definitely a pedophile and also into satanism. Was it not enough just stealing the innocence of young children more than enough?
Why eat them as meat too?
What happens in the minds of these people that they allow themselves to get carried away with such deep dark thoughts that take up residence within them for so long… something that resisting them gets to be no option.
Don’t we all have thoughts that can be scary if we allowed them to linger?
One of cousins told me that she used to drink heavily but 1 day she said she realized she had to quit. She said that on that 1 day she was sitting in a restaurant and across from her was a mother with a young baby. She told me that the thought came to her mind suddenly to over to the baby and stab it death with her fork. She said that that was when she knew then that she had to stop drinking. And she did.
Could it be as simple as that?
Could all these deviant thoughts… crazy thoughts… frightening thoughts… be cast off of us if we just merely chose to refuse to carry out whatever that insane thing or deviant thing… or crazy thought… or frightening thing that came into our mind was.
I do know that such wild and intensely insane thoughts do come into peoples minds. Thoughts that when carried out… become unbelievable to those who knew of the person that perpetrated some heinously insane act.
I know this because such an insane thought came into my head once. It was around about the time after I had had… given birth to my son. It was something crazy and lingered with me for a few hours if not for days. I will not say what the thought was… but for some reason it had me, somewhat. I, of course, I never acted upon it… but it was a deviant and a mad thing… the though of carrying out an action which came into my mind and spirit.
For those of you who believe in Biblical text than you will understand this statement… though for some of you it may not have much of a meaning if any at all. But the Bible says, ‘We wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities, spiritual wickedness etc…’ It is those principalities… those strange dark forces, that if you are not careful you can slip into… and it will use you like a wet rag then cast you off like filthy rags ready for the fire.
My cousin fortunately had the hand of God upon her life… as did I. But I think of those who don’t know Him… and have no idea how to break the chain of the demonic spirit that is forcing them to carry out some depraved act… be it murder… rape… incest… cannibalism… etc.
This makes me think of that school teacher… or rather that notorious ex-school teacher… a woman who started having a sexual relationship with a 13 or 14 year old boy in her class. The draw of being sexually involved with that boy could not be broken off of her… no matter how much the court… our legal system had tried. She even went to prison… had been publicly humiliated and yet could not stop. But again and again she would be found with that boy. I recall seeing a TV news segment of 1 of her trials, as the woman stood before the court she began pleading for help. She said, ‘I need help.’ That’s when I realize she was helpless in doing what she continued to do with that young boy.
I doubt that the court or anyone in that courtroom really heard her. But I did… it radiated at me. She was doomed and needed to have that curse broken from her. Courts and judges… lawyers and things like that they do not understand anything like that. The operate in the natural. But are some very unnatural forces out there. But those who are those like me who know the Word of the Lord understand the spirits which can come in and attack people. People who like me knew what type of real help that woman was asking for. But she never got it. Some years later she was released from prison and went back at it… her and that boy. Though he was older now… and soon she began birthing children by him. I often think of her at times… knowing that there is no way that either of them are probably happy today.
There are those who are not strong enough … and they have no power through the power or strength… which in these cases none of us have any. Only through God can the demonic spirits be cast out. God alone can turn away the evil thoughts and actions that can creep into their minds and spirit. But they simply do not know Him… the people who do such unspeakable things. They have no relationship with God. It is not through any strength of our own that keeps any of us… or has kept us from carrying out some crazy or insane acts, but through the working of God in our lives.
Because such forces are beyond anything that we can personally fight… or ever hope to truly battle and win on our own. We need God to do it… as we simply do not have the power to do it. It takes that Greater and Higher Power to handle it for us… to act on our behaves… least we fall prey to the evil that lurks in our minds… as that school teacher and countless hundreds of thousands… probably millions of others.
When you read news stories of 13 and 14 year old kids killing 1 of their mother’s and then prepare to eat her liver… you have to realize that we are in the midst of some very dark times. More and more stories of cannibalism are coming into the news lately. There had been a time when such stories were big shockers…stories of people like Jeffery Dahmer. But not today. It appears to me that daily something on cannibalism can be found in the news… and it is very disturbing.
For years we had heard of people who were into things like witchcraft that carried out such acts as the drinking of human blood. Speaking of which when I once worked in the Village, down in New York City… I was ever so surprised when 1 of my co-workers came out with this statement, of wishing he was a vampire. Near the end of life hanging out in New York City, gay clubs and the Gay & Lesbian Center in New York… I had become to be weary with all the dog collars and black leather suits. They were starting to get strongly involved into satanism, I thought. Whips and bondage had started to take a hold upon them… dominatrix… S&M was the new pleasure.
It was not until a very attractive women came to Sala Soul 1 night that I realized just how much this thing was taking a hold of them. The meeting that Thursday night was about S&M… sadomasochism… whippings and bondage for sexual pleasure. I had noticed that she was dressed all in black leather, but I had not made the connection. It was appalling to me… actually down right shocking. I was not prepared for that kind of topic… nor will ever be. But that woman’s world was the world of S&M.
She spoke about this thing that she had fallen into with such excitement and joy… that it was really hard for me to remain in my seat and not hit the door. Whereas everyone else in the room seemed to be taken by this thing that this woman was inviting them to become involved in… I rejected it. It was hard for me to believe that anyone would ever believe that… it was the 1 who was in bondage… the person handcuffed or chained… or otherwise tied up and being whipped… was the person in control.
Come on, now do you really believe that?
If you are handcuffed and have put yourself in mercy of some crazy person with a belt or whip or paddle or some other torturous device… who is standing over you inflicting you with pain… do you believe you have any power to stop that person if they decide… Well, decide to kill you… or continue to whip you though you cry out STOP?
No, you have no power… to stop them. But this woman was saying something else. And if you were sitting on the moon… like many of my Sala Soul Sisters seemed to be that, as they were very engrossed with the topic and the woman. Then maybe you might have bought that… but I did not. And nobody on this planet can tell me anything different.
But this is the mind-set of many people… to begin dipping into the macabre… stepping deeper and deeper into darkness. They begin playing with things and thoughts that take them into deep dark places… where they become lost.
A year or so… or maybe a couple of years later I happened to come across 1 of young women who had been at that Sala Soul meeting on S&M. This woman had asked a lot of questions that night, and she really seemed more than slightly interested in S&M. I guess she truly was. Because when I came across her some time later she was wearing all black leather… the dress code of those in S&M… bondage. I even made a remark about it black leather attire… and saw a look come across her face as if I had found her out. She had emerged herself into that lifestyle… and was now 1 of them… and it is a lifestyle… a sub-culture of which even they have their own flag… a nation unto itself… of highly misguided people. That was the last Sala Soul Sisters meeting I ever went to… and from that point on I began to move further and further out of ‘the Life’… meaning gay life… being a lesbian. I began to realize I had less and less common with them, my fellow Sala Soul Sisters. My thoughts were changing… and at the end I had changed.
I thank God he put something in me that has kept me from totally going crazy… or following every insane whim that came into my mind. I had limits and barriers that I would never cross because of my early child training. Training does show up… and Biblical scripture is true. Train up a child in the way that it should go, and when he is old he will not depart.
Well, so much for that… just thought I would drop in and share a few words. Hope all is well with you… and that you continue to enjoy the rest of this week.
One final note on that man from Boston who was into rapping and eating children. He requested that the state give him life… but his sentence is only for a term of 25 years. I think the Judge should have heard him… and some kind of provision was written that he would never be release back into public life again. The man obviously knows he has no power to resist the deep dark forces that lurk within him.
Well, God bless… and I guess I’ll see ya’ the next time I decide that I have something on my mind. For the record this blog was 1 of hardest to find any YouTube video for… or some pictures I really liked. Most of the stuff was just to gross or nasty for me to want to use it. But then I guess that all really goes with the type of subject matter this blog was about. Not much that any of us really want to see or know about.
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2013
Add a comment October 1, 2013
I know all you reality freaks probably can’t wait until PREACHERS OF LA. hit your TV screens this fall. I can’t imagine the mess that that show will be.
It might just be a congregation breaker. And if they really let themselves go and show us themselves for real… many of you may not really like what they uncover.
So, just who are these 6 bold preachers who decided that they would take the challenge and allow TV cameras to follow them both in and outside of their churches… and exploit their personal lives?
In watching the trailer to the show you get the picture that it is really going to be about just 3 of the preachers… Bishop Noel Jones… Bishop Clarence McClendon… and Deitrick Haddon. But the other 3 are Bishop Ron Gibson… Pastor Wayne Chaney… and Pastor Jay Haizlip… the lesser known pastors.
I must say that I had not really thought much about it since I watch little to almost no television. So, therefore I wasn’t hit with a ton of commercials hyping this show to death in order to set me on the edge of my seat waiting to see it.
However, it was not until yesterday while looking up some YouTube videos for my blog which I posted yesterday, JESSE JUNIOR… BISHOP PAUL MORTON RETIRING…and ANTHONY WEINER A REAL JERK… that I happened to come across a video about Noel Jones and Lisa Raye being a couple.
Well, maybe I should say it like this… Not the stuff that First Ladies are made of. Well, let me take it a step further… and say it this way. Not the stuff that Church First Ladies are made of.
Haven’t we all?
But I must say that that I thought she made a very good First Lady of that little island that she happened to marry into… Turks and Caicos. And she did hold up very well under the pressure of that crazy king or whatever his title was over that island… whom she married.
Lets face it… Lisa is a very pretty girl. Well, I guess I should say… woman now. But preacher material?
Another thing… can I just say this?
No pastor or preacher should be dating anyone… whom he is not possibly looking at as a candidate for marriage. And no so-called man… especially a so-called Bishop or any pastor or any other supposed man of God, who is single… should be out impregnating women and not marrying them.
My Bible says a Bishop should be blameless. So, exactly where does that put Bishop Noel Jones?
Now, having said all of that let me get to what I was saying about the Bishop. For years Noel Jones portrayed himself as being this celibate preacher, following the divorce between him and his wife many many many many many years ago. You get that picture?
Born January 31, 1950, Noel Jones, a Jamaican, is the twin brother of R&B/Rocker singer Grace Jones of the 70′s. I can hear her sing ‘Pull Up To The Bumper, Baby’ now… think it might have been her biggest hit.
Anyhow, Bishop Noel Jones is the Pastor of a large mega-church, City of Refuge Church… and highly sought after as a preacher besides deciding to be featured as 1 of the 6 pastors to parade his life and affairs before TV audiences, on the up-coming reality TV show PREACHERS OF LA.
The last time I watched a television broadcast of Bishop Jones he was preaching on a subject that involved him relaying to his congregation his struggles to maintain himself sexually… and I think… winning. Being a very dynamic speaker and a man well versed with words, with a large vocabulary… his take on winning that battle and overcoming that demon even had me glued into that message.
But then I found out that Bishop Jones, if you did not read… or had not heard yet… had been less than forthcoming about his victory over his sexual urges. In researching information for this blog… which is something that I sometimes do… not often… but at times. When I want to lets say hit upon a topic that I am going to write about, but I am not sure about what little info I have. So, I do a little digging just to make sure of what I have heard or saw or read… and to see what else I can find to make my blog a bit more interesting. And I also like bringing some facts into my blogs… beside just my opinions which I am always full of.
So, while digging… I found out that the Bishop had impregnated a young woman, named Stacy Francis about a couple of years ago. Hmmmm….
Now, I’m smh… (smh means shaking my head for those of you who don’t know). Never would I have thought that because… Well… Well, because I thought the man honestly was gay. Which kind of goes back to what my friend, Sue… always says about me. She says… I think that everybody is gay. Though I say that is not true. Not EVERYBODY… just some people.
If you read my blog on Raven Symone supposedly being gay… then you would know that my friend, Sue’s, statement is far from being true. Because I certainly definitely don’t truly believe that Raven Symone is gay… no matter what she says. I think she is just going through a phase. It might even be just a Hollywood thang… because it seems to me that everybody almost in Hollywood these days has either a girlfriend or a boyfriend. As being gay in Hollywood seems to make for great news.
But lets get back to Noel Jones. After years of watching him during his morning church broadcasts… I think on BET… I had long thought that he was gay for all the obvious reasons. But 1 reason in particular… he just plain looks like it. Well, to me.
I know somebody just passed out… while somebody else just got mad because I’m talking about their pastor. Yes, I probably lost about half of my readers right there in having said that. But it is true. He just looks like a gay male to me… and if anybody has seen a lot of them I have. Because as you know I was once in ‘the life’ myself. And you kind of get to know them when you see them.
Thank God for redemption… truly.
And since I am talking about it right now… let me just add. For anybody who has come out of it… and I am talking about being gay…or homosexual… or lesbian… or whatever… they no longer look like it. The things… the look… the characteristics… how they talk… mannerisms… nuances etc… dress… style etc… all also change. This is really how you know that they truly are ‘new creatures’ in the Lord.
Not to say that the Bishop is gay… but he always struck me as being so.
Also, having been in ‘the life‘ I know the games and tricks people play… usually men… to try and hide their true sexuality. They court women that they have no physical interest in… some even get married… have children etc… all as a way of hiding who they really are.
So, Bishop Noel Jones messing with Lisa Raye… or having a child out of wedlock… it all just might be a sham. And probably will make for good TV for those of you who love drama… especially baby-mama/baby-daddy drama.
Forget me saying that Lisa was not Church First Lady material. But just how much of Bishop material is Noel Jones to having at least 1 child out of wedlock. And is carrying on sexually or otherwise with young women who could be this 60 year old man’s daughters?
My thoughts, however, are still out on the broadcast of the Preachers of LA. But I have 1 question…
Are we selling out the Church… to shine on TV and make an extra buck… and gain earthly fame?
And somebody tell me please… When did Deitrick Haddon move to L.A.?
When you look at the clothes that this pastor let his wife wear out of the house… you really have to wonder about the fate of the Church… and where it is headed?
Excuse me… but I just can’t get over the dress that that man… that PASTOR’S WIFE is wearing… exposing her breast like that. Did I say that I thought Lisa Raye might not be Church First Lady material?????
My, Lord… smh… again…
This thing is scary…
And can I add this?
When it has all been said and done I wouldn’t be surprise if half of them leave the show… and go up under IRS investigations for misusage of Church funds.
Whatever happened to ‘having all things in common?’
Or feeding the motherless and the fatherless… instead of driving around in exotic cars and living lavishly grand life’s while their congregations languish?
Well, God bless… well, it is Friday. I hope you have a blessed and enjoyable weekend. I am going to go and work around the yard tomorrow I think.
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2013
24 comments August 16, 2013
You would think that 1 of the hottest topics at the Atlanta Hair Show would have been about some fantastic hair-do… but it wasn’t. Way from it.
The buzz on the floor and from booth to booth was about Will Smith and Jeda Pickett-Smith.
I had long ago wrote a glowing blog about them being great role models and a beautiful couple… but who knew that all was not what it seemed?
They seemed to be the perfect couple. Happy… and certainly with it all going on. But who knew what dark little secrets lurked deep down within?
Who knew that it was at all as it was made to seem?
I thought them happy. I thought them perfectly matched. I thought that they truly loved one another. I thought that there was nothing that could drive them apart. I thought…
Well, I thought all was well. But it seems that it wasn’t. And that it was far from being well.
It was my son that broke the news to me saying-
But who knew?
Well… I knew someone who knew… and she told me it many years ago saying-
“Awh, come on, Bern… don’t you see it. If you don’t then you are the only 1 who doesn’t.”
But I refused to accept it. But it seems that she was right… that same friend who I wrote about in my blog about the DeBarge family… the 1 who I used to laugh with when we would giggle over, and pick fun at how sissy the DeBarge brothers all seemed. Yeah, her…
And he said they got tired of having an open marriage.
I said -
“What? What do you mean an open marriage?”
I was thinking he was talking about the usual kind of thing maybe some other woman … or possibly another man. The man part was right… but he wasn’t talking about Jeda.
It was Will.
And my son said that everybody at the hair show was talking about it. Since the hair show was made up of a large number of gay men… I immediately began to think that this had to be true. Because gay men are in the know about such things as this. And from men to women at the hair show… they were all buzzing about it.
I have yet to pull myself up off the floor behind this. Some things really do come as such a surprise… and this was 1 for me. Though I have to say it again… my friend had told me it long ago, when Will was playing as the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire.
It was something I guess I never wanted to see… and perhaps way down deep I was hoping it wasn’t so. And I STILL AM.
I really thought Will and Jeda made for a great couple. They seemed to be great parents …and they seemed to place a high value on family.
Though I wasn’t particular about their new-found religious beliefs… and how after coming into all that money they decided that they wanted to convert into becoming members of the Church of Scientology. Which struck me as a Hollywood thang… for the $20 million plus crowd. Which Will stepped into many years ago after leaping from the small screen onto the large screen… with a massive following.
It is disappointing really. But I guess we are all chased by demons at some point or other in our lives. The trick is to not allow them to consume us. And to fight until we win… and not them.
There seems to be a rash of men and women stepping into the gay lifestyle. For some it seems to be hip…even fashionable. But for others it is something that they have been drawn into … whether by their own fascination …or by some type of inducement… enticement… inquisitive nature … or whatever have you. And clearly I forgot about acts of abuse as another root cause for some.
But for whatever reason it seems to be growing. Or maybe it is that it is more open. Perhaps, the latter is probably the real case.
And it seems to me that I see so many young school kids making choices at early ages about such things. And many of them… especially the girls are deep into role-playing… meaning dressing or acting out the male role.
Having come out ‘the life’… meaning having been gay myself… I cannot help but feel for them. So, I study them and watch them… and can’t seem to take my eyes off them. Because I hate to see anyone commit their lives to something that is so anti-them.
I can’t say that I hated me. But I did hate what I looked like… hated my size… and I can’t remember what else. But I never really liked me.
I never thought I was pretty or anything like that. And my interest were not really in girl-ly things.
But I never desired to be a boy… and certainly not a man. I did like that part about me.
So, I never considered role-playing as an option for me… though for most of my relationships with women …I was designated as what would have been the male role. Because even in not playing roles… somehow you end up in them. Somebody is going to be more fem …and somebody butch. And it is because that is how life is… and we imitated life and the various categories of life as 2 people together.
But I really get disturbed at seeing so many young people gravitating towards an alternate lifestyle. And particular those who are so young… young girls and boys in the 7th or 8th grade.
CLICK. It has just dawn on me that I was in the 9th grade when some girl first started following me around… and later began to stick letters into my locker. How quickly we forget.
I rarely think of it now. Her letters turned into phone calls when she happen to come upon my sister 1 day… telling my sister that I had given her our phone number… and that she had lost it. So, my sister accommodated her by giving it to her again… or so she thought.
This is when I found out that all those mysterious letters in my locker were coming from a girl. It is funny because I never ever talked to that girl face 2 face… until much later in our lives. Because for 1 thing I was afraid of her…
Once I realized what was going on I soon began to notice that that girl used to walk pass all my classrooms. She used to just stand there outside my classrooms looking through the glass door at me. She also used to sneak into the 9th grade lunch… as she at the time was only an 8th grader… and she would always sit somewhere across from me… watching me… staring at me. It is funny how I had never noticed her before… but then I had thought it was some boy sending me all those letters.
Though the girl never tried to hurt me… or ask me to do anything sexually… I nevertheless kept my distance from her.
Believe it of not I had actually finished this blog…BUT LOST EVERYTHING BELOw THIS. So, at some point maybe I may come back and redo it. But not right now …or tonight it is after 4 AM…
So, please forgive me while I get some sleep.
Well, God bless…
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2011
Add a comment August 24, 2011
I don’t know maybe it is because I have become somewhat disappointed in both Serena and Venus in the last few months… that when I looked at my blog stats yesterday…and the day before… I just never paid any attention to all the hits for info on them. As a rule I do pay a lot attention to what people are hitting my blog in search of. But for some reason not to the hits for information of the William’s sisters.
But this got pass me…until today when I happened to see the title of an internet news headline… reading that Serena was sick.
The story read that Serena had to go into the hospital following the Oscars due to a blood clot in 1 of her lungs. And it said that this past Monday it seems that Serena had to undergo…what they called ‘medical treatment’…. but sounds more like surgery for what they are calling ‘hematoma.’
It definitely sounds serious… and certainly reason for great concern.
We certainly pray for Serena and her family.
No matter how much money we may amass… it may aid in getting the best possible medical attention… but it cannot compensate for life without pain or health issues.
What would you rather have… money or life without pain or illness?
In looking over other news pieces over the internet lately… which has basically today has become my only primary means of regularly reading news… it seems to me that most of it is geared towards todays new up and coming rising athletic stars. Be it football or basketball… or whatever have you… though mostly football and basketball… it strikes me like…
Well, to me… like they are robbing candy from a baby.
Most of these new talents are nothing more than just kids that they are running after today… many are barely in junior high… or what they call today… middle-school. And they are running after them waving money… jewelry… and everything else that they can in order to get the young hopeful’s attention. And that of their parents also.
In fact, 1 mother was so gun-ho over what they were promising her and her son… that she signed his papers for him. They call that forgery… and it is punishable by the law. And she did it so she could commit her son to a certain college.
And today it is such a big thing just watching to see what school certain of these young hopefuls will be going to. And it means big money… endorsements… and all kinds of business to certain schools. Not to mention the attention media and otherwise to the school and/or college campus as well.
Whether it is an athletic franchise… or national pro team… or some high and mighty college… these young kids… babies really are being sought out and after to their own demise whether they know it or not.
A young kid in junior high… or–or in middle-school, if you must… has no business having his or head turned towards looking for a big pay-day sometime in their foreseeable supposed future. Rather their minds should be centered on their education. They should be concerned about making good grades and getting out of grade school… and then on to college.
These kids today… the chosen few… are being scouted far too young. They are being spoon fed on a bunch of hopes and far away dreams that may never come into being. The promises may simply not materialize for most of them. And this is a very real fact.
Where will they turn?
What will become of their lives?
Sure LeBron made it. And so didn’t Moses Malone.
But success is certainly not guaranteed to a bunch grade schoolers who may show promise today… but may not be able to step to the mark as they continue to grow and develop physically. Or not grow… or not be able to stand up to the pressures of pro sports and all the baggage that those pressures bring into the life of many professional athletes.
And these kids are developing over inflated egos… and attitudes that will sooner or later destroy them and kill any promise that they may or may not have really had. But mouth and arrogance got in the way of what might have become.
A key basketball player at Brigham Young University found out the hard way… that the same way they can put you up… they can take you down. And even if it costs them a season.
There is a message to the below story LINKED here. Never get too big for your own breeches… because somebody inevitably will show you who is really the boss.
There is just so much extreme extremism in America… it is just hard to believe.
What crazy church would want to picket the funeral of U.S. military men and women who have sacrificed their lives for this country… to be outside the funerals carrying signs decrying America …and saying things like-
“Thank God for 9/11.”
Or… “God hates America.”
What sick perverted people would be doing that?
It is as insane as saying you are pro-life and you go out and blow up an abortion clinic filled with pregnant women in it.
It is contrary…and insane. And it certainly is not Christianly.
There is nothing about such acts that can be proclaimed as being holy or saintly. The people who set about enraging people to go out and to do such things are just people who are full of nothing but the devil.
And though I usually do not speak in such terms… the truth is the truth. And this is truth telling-time.
I felt the same way about preachers who loaded up buses to take people to Capitol Hill to protest gay marriages.
These things are just foolish.
Putting people of buses and travelling to the state capitol did not change 1 thing.
There is ‘sin’ in the land. There are ‘evils’ in the land. And none of this extremism attitude is addressing any of the real issues. This is why the devil is called ‘the great deceiver.’ He takes people’s eyes off what they really should be paying attention to.
There are some real core issues in this country and around the world that are in dire need of addressing. And they …these issues… go beyond self perceived notions of what is or is not sinful… or a greater sin.
Why should every American soldier have to endure a bunch of crazy people targeting their funerals in that small Kansas town… or anywhere is this country… causing nothing but more grief for their already grieving families and friends?
Is there not enough chaos and unrest all over the world without us here in America causing ourselves any more than what is necessary?
Soon people will be in the streets searching out their neighbors… and brother will be against brother. It is prophesy.
So, some berserk preacher… and it is funny all these little un-named and unknown preachers coming out of the woodwork wanting to make some kind of stir that will land them on ‘Good Morning America’ or ‘Nightline’… or some other television show. Then they’ll write a book …get an agent and go out on tour.
Going back to my original thought… these berserk little preachers trying to make a name for themselves… go out and stir up their congregations feeding them false doctrine… and backward ignorant thinking.
We serve a God of love. Who tells us to seek peace with ‘all’ men.
During Biblical times were there not homosexuals?
Did Jesus target them?
Did he set out to get them?
Did Jesus even preach against them?
No. Because we serve a God of love. Who says with ‘love and kindness have I drawn thee.’ And do note those words… ‘drawn thee.’ Not tried to chase you away… or antagonize you… or belittle or berate anyone.
And anyone who acts in such a way is not of God. But serves that other master… no matter how much they would debate this.
Well, God bless…hope you enjoy the rest of your evening. It is now March… time certainly is marching on… and seems to be getting away from us. It is flying by so quickly… fleeing.
Some time during the course of your day just take the time to look up and observe the beauty has planted up there for you to enjoy.
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2011
Add a comment March 3, 2011
Somewhere between being half asleep and awake…I laid listening when something so impacting caught my attention. I was forced to turn over and pick up my son’s laptop to see who was talking.
Taking up my broken glasses and trying as best as I could to fix them upon my nose…I glared into the monitor screen of the laptop.
Now, for those of you who do not know who Tonex is…well he is a young gospel recording artist…now turned pastor and gospel artist. And Lexi is a gospel recording artist with a talk show on the Word Network…a black religious television channel…which I catch by viewing it over the internet.
This season Lexi has set about making her show more sustance filled…hitting hot topics and talking to people in the black religious world talking about hot and usually taboo issues within the black church.
So, I was awaken and drawn into the discussion wondering who I was listening to talk about having been abused as a very young child at the age of 3 then again at 6. But who was careful to clarify that the choices he had made in his life were his choices… and that he did not want to put them off upon the circumstances of sexual abuse as a child. And that is what made me really start listening to the program.
“I did it because of what I had experienced as a child.”
Imagine what kind of world we would be living in if we all set about doing things because of something in our past.
We have all experienced things. Things that we may or may not have shared with anyone else or even our parents. My 2 experiences as a very young child, I never spoke a word of it to my parents…or anyone else for that matter. For what reason I do not know.
I believe as children we feel that certain acts against us are wrong…or that something was not right about it. Our little minds as a child had no way of quite understanding the acts. For the most parts we were not even participants…though the act was perpetrated against us. We felt it…went throught it…but could not wrap our little minds around it (what had happened).
Some became marked by it early…and started acting out sexually. But others went on…all the while trying to deal with that hidden secret. And carried it through their lives…and it marked every experience…every relationship…and every thought that they have had.
What struck me as interesting was how honestly Tonex was able to articulate some very true and highly mis-understood things. Many outside of the life have no understanding at all of anything gay…except some mis-concepts that they have developed on the subject.
They fail to understand that not just straight people can develop deep and loving relationships with one another. And that these relationships can run as deep as any of those of any person.
But these relationships though the people involved may feel is right…but yes…it is out of alignment with the word of God. The feelings…attractions…etc…are not really real. It is a spirit. And this spirit is just as strong as any spirit that can attach itself to anyone.
And unless God brings you…or them out…they continue to linger in the feeling that what they are doing is alright. What many do not understand is…is this…that it is through God’s grace and mercy that we are all save. People say that they believe this… and that they know this. But they don’t… not really.
It is through His love that we who have come out…have emerged from the lives that we once lived (be it drug abuse, adultery, fornication, lying, stealing, lesbanism, homosexuality etc…). Because without Him none of us would have come out of anything.
I admire people who are honest. That whole on the DL thing…on down-low thang…distrubs me. Because it is littered with lies…and deception. It thrives based upon falsehoods…and may times denial.
I can see the work that God is going to do in the life of Tonex…because he is what God loves. Tonex is someone who is not afraid to be honest…yet loves the Lord…and wants Him to do a work in him. And not ashamed to say-
“I am waiting on Him to do it while I battle living in this thing.”
What a great program that Lexi had with Tonex. Both she and Tonex through that show did a glorious work. I am sure that someone fighting to find themself emotionally and sexually…and perhaps has turned against the church for having turned against them…found strenght in that show. And confirmation of the fact that God is important even in their life…as they continue to battle with the demons that dwell within them.
Love you, Tonex. Your honesty will fall upon the hearts of many. And I look forward to continue to see the great works that God is going to truly do through your life and through your honesty. Many may not understand it…but it is not for the many. But for those whom God intends to hear it…it shall reach them. And it will do a work in their hearts.
Married for 4 years, Tonex fought with the demons. But found that the draw was too great…and eventually came out of his marriage.
The demons…the demons. We fight them everyday. We all do no matter what they may be…but we fight them. There are times when we have all submitted ourselves to them. And if it had not been for the Lord…we would still all be in them.
It is a subject rarely proached by the black church except as thing of a joke. But there is nothing funny about it. And the problem is in the black church as much as it is everywhere else. ..for the devil has many captives everywhere and in all kinds of snares.
Though I admire Tonex’s honesty regarding his sexual issues. A Pastor, however, is suppose to be without spot or blemish. Though I know that there are many Pastors who fall far short from being spotless. The office, however, calls for those who are truly lead by the Lord…that they should not themselves be confused…or be living in confusion. But God, I am sure…will press this upon his mind and heart.
Recently, I had to stop going to our usual church because of the Pastor. He began to start to get too friendly…and believe me it was not my imagination…far from it. Though I had heard stories about him…I had felt that all the problems in his home had turned him around. It seemed that God had stricken nearly everybody in his family…wife…children…etc…with something. And still he hadn’t gotten the message.
Since I couldn’t get out to do anything that I really wanted to do today…I stayed home. Sat out on the porch reading my Bible and then decided to take a nap as I didn’t go to sleep last night until some time after 5 AM this morning as I busy writing another blog…the one before this one. So, I am a bit tired.
Hope you had a beautiful day.
Well, God bless… and enjoy the rest of your evening.
Thank you for reading this blog…and my others. Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2009
THE BISHOP’S WIFE is now on sale…CLICK this LINK to purchase my book. You do not need a paypal account to purchase, and you can purchase using a debit card. Thank you.
Add a comment September 10, 2009
I had thought not to touch this story and just keep my private thoughts on it to myself…and share them among friends only…and only if they asked me. But after thinking about it I realized that I could not.
One of the things about coming out of something…is that you sometimes can become highly convicted in your stance against whatever it is or was that you may have come out of. Or in other words…things you no longer wallow in…or transgress in…indulge in…or no longer partake in…and was the way you used to be…etc… So, you emerge from it being very strongly opposed to it.
You become very anti- it…about whatever it was or is that you used to do…or who you used to be…but now are not…or of that which you no longer do…or indulge in. You in fact…move all the way over to the far left side of the bar…and become an extremist regarding that issue…or thing that once had you bounded. Usually, the farthest you can get from it…emotionally and opinion-wise as well.
So, having already told you that I was once ‘in the life’ in several other blogs…meaning I was a lesbian…gay…lived in the homosexual lifestyle…then I feel I can freely talk on this subject. But do not ask me anything about drugs or alcohol…or most of anything else…because I know little to nothing on such subjects…outside of the fact of what I have seen regarding the affects of them…or the after-affects of them. That being said…
Chastity Bono, the daughter of Rock icons Sonny & Cher of the 70′s, decision to alter her sex…and the way that it is being presented in the media…really kind of disturbs me. Not her decision to change her sex…because that is her choice…but it is the media (the type of coverage) on it that concerns me.
Having had been in the life for many years…some I don’t know…more than 30+ years…I have known many women. But the people I knew…or should say know…as I still know them…and still converse with some of them…though I do not hang out with them…but all of them were women who were happy to be women. In fact…they celebrated their woman-ness… sought out places that were exclusively women… restaurants… bookstores… vacation spots… curise-liners… clubs… etc…
So, Chastity’s decision is not the norm… far from it, in fact. Many lesbian women have no dealings with men. And hate them for various historical reasons in regard to their lives and past histories.
Though today, I do see many more young girls trying to really do this thing…that is called ‘butch’ themselves up. With the hanging pants…and all the other things they do. But still it is not the norm. And thank goodness for that.
Imagine this world…if everybody decided that they wanted to change who God created them to be?
How whacked out this place would be?
Some people would be walking around calling themselves some kind of animal…maybe this is a bit extreme. But not that far fetch… considering some of the things that some people involve themselves in.
I can’t image wanting to change my sex to become a man. I am so happy that I never had that conflict. I mean I have always wondered…how it is that men go to the bathroom when they do the number 2?
Do men sit on the toilet and have to hold that piece downward in their hands? I don’t really know men like that as I was a lesbian. So, I have no way of knowing. But I do have a serious thing about germs. I know I really wouldn’t want to do that. I would be so afraid that I might touch some filthy toilet seat…if I were out in public having to do that. Though rarely do I go to the bathroom while out.
And yes…I am a bit naive. I do admit it. There are many things that I do not know.
And since we are on the subject… When they…men…stand over the urinals…all of that spattering…all over your pants legs. Who wants to go through all of that?
Yes, I am happy to be a woman. Though the men’s bathrooms tend to be a bit cleaner. I have heard that.
But if…I were a man. Why would I want to be a woman?
What would be the benefit of that?
I am just so glad that God does the selecting and choosing…as to what we will be. Could you imagine a more confusing situation than that? Trying to choose whether your child would male or female. Though some scientist have tried to come up with a way of doing just that. And many countries put a premimium on one sex over the other…the male species. Though without women this world would come to a very sudden and complete end.
But going back to my original train of thought…I just could not see myself as being a man…or having ever wanting to be one. And thank goodness none of my gay women friends have had to battle with that either…nor any of my male friends.
I can imagine the pain that one must go through having that conflict. Because that has to be one very big and hard inward battle going on to decide to do such a thing.
The truth of the matter, however, is this…the mind plays tricks…and if you are not careful you will fall into the trap. Of believing something that is not so.
If you look into the mirror every day thinking that you hate what looks back and that-
“I would look good as a man.”
Or perhaps…as a woman. Sooner or later you will begin to believe that you should have been born a man or a woman. You will also start to believe that you see certain characteristics or qualities about yourself…which in reality have been sub-consciously taken on…and/or implanted in your sub-conscious…which may not truly be there…and do not really exist. But because it is what you want to see and placed in your mind…it is what you will see. So, if you desire to see certain things…over time you may come to believe that you see them.
Then in turn you will believe that those characteristics verify the fact that you should be…and are really something else other than what you are. And so you come to the final conclusion that through some trick or error of nature you were born a woman rather than a man…or visa versa.
All that kind of thinking is a head-trip…a real mind game. You will see what you want to see…you will feel what you believe you want to feel.
The mind is wicked…and highly deceptive.
For most of my life I have thought of myself as being unattractive…ugly in fact. I never wanted mirrors arround…hated to take pictures…etc. Because I hated seeing me. It was not until I had to start taking pictures for my book cover…that I came to realize that I am really not ugly. In fact, I have to laugh…because of all the years I let get pass me believing myself to be ugly when I was not.
Then too, in my book I made a statement…which made me really have to think. I state in my book, THE BISHOP’S WIFE, how I had been stalked at least 3 separate times in my life. After writing that…I began to think about what it was those people saw in me that would have lead them to want to do that. When I know many good-looking people…very good-looking…exceedingly good-looking…and they had never been stalked.
So, why me?
This is when I thought…again.
Here it was all those years I never realized that I was not ugly. Because of my profession and always being the public eye…people gravitated to me. And people who listen to you over the radio…
Well, they just fantasize about everything…and they all believe they love you. But I could not have looked that terribly bad…to have problems with 3 separate people at various times in my history.
But I never really knew until I looked into those pictures for my book…that I wasn’t as bad looking as I had thought I had been for all of my years. It is amazing. But it was a mind game…which for me came about when I started thinking that I was not as good-looking as any of my sisters or brothers…as a young child. And that shaped my thinking of myself for all of these years.
My mind had me tricked…I saw that which my mind allowed me to see. And so I lived under that shell all of my life until about 6 months ago.
Let me take a quick station break: my book, THE BISHOP’S WIFE… is coming…. Yes, my book is coming…I will definitely let you know when it is available for purchase.
Now…back to the subject.
I was deceived by my mind a 2nd time…when I fell into lesbianism. But thank God…I didn’t sink so far down that I ever thought about mutilating myself…with a sex change.
And yes…I had met some hardcore women…who wore men’s clothes and under garments. Some even who thought it manly to beat up their lovers and/or girlfriends. But I never heard any one of them talk about changing their sex…or wanting to do so…no matter how much outwardly they tried to emulate men.
Yes, though we were living in confusion…we were far from being that confused. And I thank God…from removing me totally from it. I no longer dwell in a ball of confusion…and under the cloud of lesbianism.
But the article that I read of Chastity Bono’s decision to under-go a sex change was so accepting of it…as though it were a natual transition in life…something acceptable. I would hate to think that any poor child or teenage or another adult currently battling with issues over their sexuality…should read that article and think that such a thing is either natural…or really acceptable. Not acceptable to you or me…but for themselves. As it goes against nature.
And there have been many articles and books written on the subject…some opposing and some pro. But there have been many regrets regarding that whole process. And I have seen much sadness and anguish among those fighting that battle.
As I mentioned in at least 2 other blogs…I did know a guy…who when I met him was in the process of under-going his sex change. I met him as the women he presented himself to me to be…as he had started coming to Salsa Soul Sisters meetingsa lesbian organization in New York City…and we all at the time believed that he was a woman. But from the time I met him…and I cannot call him ‘her’…I would be lying if I said that. But from the time I met him…in the back of my mind I always felt that something about him was out of whack.
I have met many gay guys…but had never met one trying to become a lesbian before. And neither had anyone else in Salsa Soul Sisters either…until we all met him…who presented himself as a woman to us all. But when they found out…nothing could hold them back…those black lesbian women.
One night those women stormed into Salsa and turned that meeting out…because they were not having a biological man…turned lesbian…or turning lesbian…within their organization and on their board. And they meant every word of it…and voted that night ‘that no one born biologically a man could ever sit on the board of Salsa Soul Sister, Inc. or become a member of Salsa.’ That was their sentiment…and they were right. I did agree…and still agree even though I am no longer a member.
The fact is…regardless of the pills and surgery…you will always be what God created…biologically. You can change your name…your hair style…your walk…talk…even your game…or anything and everything else you want to change. But underneath it all…your real DNA…can’t be changed. It can be confused…I guess with all that medication. But who you are…is who you are. It is who you really are…and that can’t be changed no matter what. No matter how much you dislike it…or dislike yourself.
I don’t know when I saw it…but it was on television. I think it was a Barbara Walters’ special. It was one of the saddest and most horrifying shows I had watched in my many years of watching TV. It was a show on parents allowing their children to cross-dress. By this I mean…there are parents who are allowing their very young pre-teen children…sons or daughters to decide that they were not whatever sex they had been borned…and dressing like whatever they wanted to be.
It was horrifying. Truly, horrifying.
It made me sick to see a 4 or 5 year old being allowed to demean himself or herself in that fashion. And they looked hideous.
At such young ages children being bred in a continuous state of high confusion…and their own parents abetting them in doing so. It was terrifying…absolutely terrifying.
In one of those stories, Barbara visits with a family who allows their little boy to dress as a little girl…long hair…the whole 9 yards. The little boy has a baby sister. Her cup and everything about her is pink…while everything for him was blue…do note the word ‘was.’
The boy wanted the pink cup…the pink this and the pink that. Well, it really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that thing out. The little boy had become jealous of his little sister. I don’t know…maybe the parents stopped doting on him and became pre-occupied with his little sister. So, he of course wanting his parents attention once again…he might desire to become his little sister…or some how take her place in order to regain their…his parent’s attention and love again.
So, what does his little confused mind decide to do?
He starts wanting what she has… her things… clothing…etc. He develops a desire to replace her… by becoming her. Thus, a desire to be a little girl… as in his confused little mind he views it as being the root cause and remedy to his little situation.
It is not at all that he really wants to be a girl. But he desires his parents’ attention again. Which if his parents had taken any time with him…it would obvious to them. That the love he felt that they have taken from him and given to the little girl…his sister…he wanted it back.
Then there is this other side of the coin. If the little boy doesn’t like boy stuff…toys, sports etc..
So, what if he doesn’t grow up playing baseball…or basketball…or watching sports. It doesn’t mean you have to put your stamp all over him…and say-
“I know what…we’ll call him girl.”
And dress him up like one.
Yes…I do know that some gay guys…and even some women… claim that they knew they were gay from the craddle. But closer examination on the matter…might bring them to some other opinion if they really sat down and looked back at things in their history that they may have forgotten.
It is a mind game. Some kids grow up thinking that they are the biggest and the baddest. Some that they are stupid and don’t know anything. Some believing that they are beautiful…some that they are smart. It can vary depending upon who they are…what their social-economic backgrounds… neighborhoods… family… schools… churches…etc.. and what is going on within their home. But over time it almost always changes…our preception of ourselves…and the world around us…and how we view ourselves in it.
Imagine a little child…4 or 5 years old trying to fight that battle everyday. Of having to go to school everyday…and trying to interact with other children…dressed as a little girl when he is a little boy. It is a ticket to suicide…or drug abuse…and self hate.
Most gay guys can’t even deal with issues from their history…family rejection…etc. when they reach older ages. They battle those issues most of their lives. Which is why many of them suffer from alcholism, drug addictions…and indulge so heavily in all types of dangerous sexual practices.
Yes, sadly…I have seen and heard many gay people…mostly men…crying over their broken relationships with their families…endless cycle of broken love relationships…etc. Crying over their lives wreked in pain and sorrow. Dealing with dying lovers…ex’s …rejections…regrets… etc…etc… It is hard no matter whether straight or gay to deal with such things. It’s hard. But then to have the added burden of being rejected by your classmates… churches…and society too…makes it all the more worst…and painful…and as a kid?
All across the gay community there are vast levels of self-hate…fear…and self-destruction. It is sad…very sad. So, how could any loving or caring parent indulge their child in any such way as to let them suffer with such thoughts…and conflicts that they…themselves have probably placed upon their child in the first place? Of which the child may end up battling and trying to fight…and deal with for the rest of their lives. When all they…the parent or parents of that little boy… had to do was get rid of all that ‘pink and blue’ stuff…and stop setting up stereotypes…and road blocks for their son. And tried to give him…their son some quality time. Rather than to assist him into the further creation of confusion in his little life…by buying him girls clothes etc…and engage him in trying to emulate something which the child is not. He is not a girl…nor a joke. Or a plaything…he is a real person…who is on his way to being badly damaged.
Being a woman encompasses a variety of things. We do and think differently from the male species. Our tendencies towards giving, sharing, helping, family, responsibilities, listening, conversing with others, aiding, depth of compassion, commitment, emotions, emotional strenght etc…and so much more are all quite different from men. It is far more than one group having a different set of sex organs from the other. And all the pills and operations…and therapy in the world is not going to change this.
I personally think that that particular Barbara Walter’s special should have never been aired. There are some things better not put out there for public consumption. People start to get simular ideas…and start following suit…copying eveything they see and ear. We sadly live in a world of people who have stopped thinking for themselves…and merely seek to duplicate…follow…and do likewise. And for some people it is just simplier to assist certain behavior rather than try to work to stem it.
Isn’t that a horrible why to be?
Even worst…to have that kind of parent…or parents.
We would all have been in trouble with those kind of parents…that were that Barbara Walter’s special. Many parents from time to time feel helpless…but they do not give in to their helplessness. No, another force kicks in…and they step it up…to the next level. Parents have to…because all parents are faced with challenges when it comes to their children…at some point or other. And you just can’t throw up your hands saying-
“I just can’t do anything.”
At that point…some people know that there is one other thing. They start to pray. There is power in it.
Finally, no matter what Chastity’s decision concerning trying to alter her sex…she will always be known as woman…who had a sex change…if she proceeds with the operation and all those pills (which she probably already has done seeing how they have released the story). But she will never be known as ‘a man’…no matter what she does to herself. People may pretend…but in the back of their mind will be the fact that she was and will forever be…woman.
Well, in between, Chastity’s decision to change her sex…and that supposed man having another baby (another subject that I said I was not going to touch…as I have already given him rather her too much of my time already)…it has been a very busy week.
In the end Chastity will always be a woman who had the operation. That is how people will see her…never as a bonafided man. That only comes by birth. It is the way people think. And it is true really… and we should keep it that way.
Besides, if you are truly unhappy with yourself…do you really believe that changing your sex is going to do it?
I say no.
True happiness is something that you have to find within you first. Putting up pretenses…or making superficial changes…only brings about more unhappiness… and sadness.
How can you feel happy…when you put up a bunch of pretenses?
I have sat on the trains (the subway) in New York and watched the drag queens. Unless they were out partying and hanging with friends did I see any gaiety. Most of time when I saw them…I saw a lot of saddess…emptiness…and loneliness.
I also talked to some and knew some. It is how I knew of the inner conflicts. Which a lot of gay women have too. I didn’t I did…but I guess I must have. Because I am so happy that I am out of the life…and have no intentions of ever going back into it.
But we deal with those things without trying to destory ourselves in the process…or tear ourselves apart. And that is how I feel about sex change operation. It is very much like trying to go against the grain.
One other observation… Chastity’s girlfriend really looks a bit like her mother.
Well, enjoy your weekend. And I am still trying to catch up on my sleep.
UPDATE: ON CHAZ (Monday, September 5, 2011)….recently read that she will be on ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’ this season. Needless to say there has been an outcry against it. And I am not really going to say much on it…except this.
Look for her to be voted off the show early. Controversy brings about higher ratings. And I have no doubt that some people are going to tune in just to see Chaz’ transformation for themselves.
That conversation was about gay men who had the operation. My cousin was trying to tell me that when the so-called ‘bottom’ partner… and not all gay men think as my cousin was trying to tell me.
What she was trying to tell me… as if she really knew anything about which she was talking about… that there was a thing known to gay males as the ‘bottom’ partner and the ‘top’ partner. That is while they are engaging sexually 1 male is always the 1 on the bottom, while the other sexual partner is the 1 taking him sexually from his position on the top.
While not all of them… gay males operate like that. And how do I know… because not all gay women operate that way either. Some do… but not most.
I know this because my cousin Vincent… a gay male… would tell me about some of his partners who would try to force him into taking them sexually… which he never did. But Vincent was not the norm… and had lost partners because of that. Anyway… my female cousin who was talking about this was talking like this was the norm for the masses… which is not true.
So, I told her that the real thrill in homosexuality did not come from anything more than knowing that it was ‘a man’ …or ‘a women’ depending upon the preference of the people dealing with each other sexually. And I told her this in an attempt to explain that once someone went through the operation of having their sexual organs changed… that also changed the whole dynamics of their relationship.
Real homosexuals only want someon of their own sex …be it a man or women. So, therefore if their lover underwent a sex change… they would cause many to get out of that relationship… because the person who underwent the sex change no longer had that part of them that attracted the other person to them in the first place.
Therefore, if the person’s mind becomes warted enough to want to take their body through some type of outter transformation… most elect to not touch their sexual organs. Which is what Chaz had also elected not to do.
And even if Chaz had chosen to do the entire thing …and get the whole thing done in terms of having had the final step done… the re-structuring of her sex organs… she still would be a woman. No matter what she does. It is utterly imposible to totally erase God’s stamp upon you …in terms of whom He has declared we shall be… male or female.
It is amazing to me how so many people like to talk about homosexuality as if they are in the know… and do not have any real understanding of it at all.
How in the world could my cousin…my female cousin… who had never really been in ‘the life’ as I had been… tell me anything about a life I was definitely a part of for many years… in regards to what our selections and sexual behaviors are that lifestyle?
I would know… because I lived the life. And in it we… lesbian women were always tied in things… events and discussions etc. with the gay male population. We shared spaces together, concerns, emotions, conflicts etc. all being homosexuals. Which I was at that time… I was in the gay lifestyle. And that is what Chaz is in… the gay lifestyle.
Having an operation can’t take you out of it… it can’t take you out of being gay. But it does indeed intrence you deeper in it. Because you are making some extreme choices that later you might just want to be able to step away from… if or when your mind …or prespective on this lifestyle changes.
This thing is deep…
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8 comments June 12, 2009
It should be of no surprise to anyone when Palin recently announced that she had considered aborting her infant son after being told that he was going to be a child with Down Syndrome. As I wrote in an earlier blog on Palin…the mere fact that she did not tell her family about being pregnant…then her flying off to conferences and the like while knowingly being aware that she was leaking her amniotic fluids…the baby’s lifeline…signaled that she not only thought about it. But Sarah Palin was attempting to administer in a very real way…her own form of birth control…or abortion…if you will…you take your pick.
When I initially read that story about the leaking fluids and Palin…I immediately knew exactly what she had been attempting to do. No loving or caring mother would have jepardized her unborn child like that. But Palin did…and just like she did this past week…she turned the story around to make it appear as though she had done some great and humane thang…because the baby had survived. And was born…a thing she has been trying to capitalize on every since.
Oh, they roared and cheered for Palin…as she did what she has always done…and I guess may have even gotten better at doing now that she has had so much practice doing it…got out seeking her own personal fame at that right-to- life banquet where she made her wonderful disclosure. What she called…”for a fleeting moment“…that she had considered having an abortion upon hearing the news that her son was going to be born with Down Syndrome. I doubt that it was anything but for ‘a fleeting moment’ that Palin considered that thought. I am more of a mind to believe that she actively and intentionally sought to do it…in her own little way. But it just was not to be…and it was not for a lack of trying.
Palin seems to be a master at pulling that old quasi-Mid-Western/Alaskian thang to con people into believing her to be some king of super mom/woman…and thinking that she is either just a joke…a fool…or some kind of saint. With most of the Republicans eager to believe the latter no matter what. She definitely believes she has got ‘em fooled. And every chance she gets…Saint Palin keeps popping up in the news…for one thing or another. She is not intent on allowing anybody to forget who she is. Ambition…is something.
Saint Palin is at it again…and she is willing to use everything and anything it takes…to keep herself in the forefront…with her eye steady on the White House with a hope for her 2012 run straight into the Presidency. What a joke. I think…not. Saint or no Saint…Palin.
There was something about seeing that woman’s picture that you just knew she had done some insane sort of thing. But what…you could not imagine. But you knew it was deep…and going to be disturbing. And it was.
I cannot remember having ever read before where a newspaper article stated that some woman was arrested for raping anyone. That woman in that picture…the one with that crazed…insane look…whom I could not imagine what she had done…nor did I want to think about it. Because if you have gotten anything out of reading these blogs by now…it is this. That I hate these kind of stores. I am greatly disturbed by them. There are some things which haunt me for days…so I try not to read them… particularly…crimes against children.
Most of the time I turn away and resist reading such stories. Because I simply cannot take the thought of such things…it bothers me greatly. And for days if not much longer these things linger in my mind and in my heart.
I cannot for the life of me…understand it.
Why would someone want to hurt a little child?
What pleasure is gotten out of abusing a child sexually…or any other way?
What kind of woman would have done such a thing?
What is gotten from robbing the innocence from the innocent?
How can you do such a thing without being greatly troubled?
And troubled she was…that woman. You saw it in her picture posted all over the web and I guess all in the news. She looked deranged…insane…besieged by demons…plagued by satanic spirits…and forces. And she was.
The story is horrible. She had been a Sunday school teacher…and yet she had done something I had never heard said of any woman before…she raped.
A little girl who played with her own little girl…who had come looking for her playmate…the woman’s daughter. And this bewildered woman…locked deep in the satanic lust of her mind…laid hands upon her, that little gir…and took her….and performed acts upon her that were unspeakable. And we pray…killed her before she began to dismember her…stuffed her into a suitcase…and then threw her into an irrigation ditch.
What was going on in that woman’s mind?
How long had she been wrestling with the demons which were chasing her?
Had she done other acts…this Sunday school teacher?
It is hard to believe that there were not signs.
What kind of place is this town Tracy, California?
What kind of evil town is it that suddenly such evil is prevailing itself upon it…within its walls?
Could it be like one of those evil cities sited in the Bible?
Could there be such places where evil just abounds?
There can…and Tracy, CA proves it.
The article read that a few months earlier…a young teenage boy with shackles…emaciated…tortured…and weak…somehow managing to get away ran away from those who had kidnapped him and held him hostage…begging , “Hide me…please. Hide me.”
What kind place is this Tracy?
Is it like the city that Lot lived in?
Where he sat upon the fence watching as the acts of sin that were carried out before him.
What kind of time are we living in?
What is going on?
Could this be last days and time?
A few years ago I was listening to the radio and a story came up over the airwaves about this farm. At this farm the people checked in like it was hotel…and they went there to have sex with the animals. They were into beastiality. It too…was a horrifying story. It turned my stomach.
Who would think that such a place existed?
But if there was one…there has to be others.
What kind of people are these?
I was sick to my stomach hearing that story. I am sick now thinking about it…and the other stories which I have heard or know about…including all of this murdering. And all this murdering of young children.
One night while at a Sala Soul Sister’s meeting in New York…down in the Village at the Gay and Lesbian Center…a young woman came and gave a discussion. I had not known what she was going to talk about until she was introduced and began to speak. I had noticed that she was indeed very attractive and she was dressed fashionably in this leather vested outfit. It was her wardrobe which really gave a clue…but I was naive. I knew nothing on the subject…but I came to know an awful lot about the subject as she began to share her story with us.
She had just reached 50 years old…and I would not have guessed that. And she expressed how angry she was that none of her friends had shared with her anything about the lifestyle she was currently involved in. She even went as far as saying-
“I had to wait until I was 50 before anybody told me about this. And I am so mad.”
You want to know what her story was…don’t you?
Some of you already know…because of what I said about her dress.
She was involved in S&M…bondage.
Once I came to understand what she was talking about…I began to feel really sorry for this woman. She looked corporate to me…but I would have never have guessed that she was involved in anything adverse…much less S&M.
I had never met or talked to anyone involved in such a thing. But I knew immediately like that woman with that crazed looked upon her face…the Sunday school teacher…that this woman too was lost. She spoke of some restaurant in New York City…saying that after a certain hour at night all the doors are locked and everybody inside there engages in acts of S&M.
I was shocked that such a place as that existed in New York…or anywhere else. And a restaurant?
That woman was so deep into that life…that sub-culture of S&M that as I watched and listened to her…I knew she was not going to be coming out unless something miraculous happened to her. She was deep into it…and she loved it. She marveled in it…that life…and what she was doing in it. She spoke of that lifestyle with such passion that it was frightening to me just listening to her. Just to know that somebody could be so taken with something…so…so… so….contrary to life.
I do not know if I ever went back to another Salsa Soul Sisters meeting after that. That had to be one of my last meetings. I was appalled by it. And most of the other women there…at that meeting with me…they seemed to be enchanted and intrigued by the lifestyle. But I found nothing intriguing or enchanting about someone tying me up or handcuffing me to anything and then beating me or bringing out a whip to take it to inflict me with pain. Nor could I see anything sexually arousing in that. It was satanic to me…and no one was going to tell me anything different. And I was angry because my other Salsa Soul Sisters seemed interested in trying it out.
I am so glad that God gave me a mind of my own…another kind of mind. A mind to know what I was willing to accept and the things I was not…and not being swayed from my stance. I am happy that there has always been things that I have said ‘no’ to…and meant it.
How do you allow yourself to sink into all kinds of mess?
How do you allow yourself…your mind to become absorbed in all kinds of foul thoughts and actions?
I am not a fool. I am not going to try everything…1 time…to see. There are many things in this life that I have known that I did not have to try in order for me to determine…yes…o r no from the very on-set.
There is a culture of people who whether it be drug abuse…sexual abuse…child pronography… homosexulaity… beastiality… S&M…or some other adverse…or perverse behavior…they have entered into it willingly.
I will never forget how a woman…a black woman…out of the clear blue sky began telling me about how she used to have sex with her dog. This was somebody I knew…well, I knew her somewhat. I did not know what made her divulge such a thing to me. But it made my skin crawl. I wanted to run out of her presence and get away from her. It was sick.
I do not know what season we are living in…but it is sick.
It is corrupt.
I cannot understand it. But it is all Biblical.
The Bible says-
“That there is nothing new under the sun.”
It also says-
“For their sins are great.”
But how can people do what they are doing…to themselves…or to others?”
I am really troubled by the above stories…but I will try to end on an up note.
The Obama’s mutt in my opinion is ugly. But he or she seems friendly enough. So, perhaps Obama’s daughters will be quite happy with their new mutt. But it really looks like the First Mom is going to have her hands full with their new little addition.
I am just not an animal person…as you could read by the story above.
But I do not see what all the flax is about…as to whether he…or she came from a rescue center or not. It is just not all that important…while so many young children are loosing their lives behind all of this insanity. There is just so much more to concern ourselves with.
I have been tired…tired…tired all week.
To start with…I never got out of the hairdresser until after 3 AM on Sunday morning. Then I wanted to go to early morning service…which meant I dared not go to sleep following my leaving the hair salon. Because I knew I would probably not wake up until some time later that afternoon.
So, I stayed up as best as I could…and once I got past that. I then realized that if I went home and went to sleep before regular Sunday service…that I was definitely not going to get up. So, again I elected not to go home…so that I would not go to sleep.
I never hit the bed on Easter until some time after 5 PM. But it was fun. I spent it with family…the young up and coming legacy of my parents. And I enjoyed every minute of it…even though I was quite sleepy.
I did managed to peel some apples for a couple of apple pies. And the food was good…and there was plenty of laughter. But through it all I was tired.
So, all this week I have been paying for not having gotten any sleep on Saturday…by being tired my entire week. I am so happy that it Friday. Now, I can stay in and get some much needed sleep without feeling guilty for the next 2 days.
One other thing before closing…no matter what the reasoning of that Sunday school teacher. There can be no excuse for what she did to that little girl.
Goodnight…and enjoy your weekend.
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2 comments April 18, 2009
A few years ago…really it has been more like….many years ago a friend had a conversation with me concerning the town that he grew up in. He told me something which totally surprised me and of which I have never spoken about until now. He said-
“In the city where I grew up…the older men would have sex with all the young boys.”
He said this to say…that the older men in his hometown preyed upon the very young boys in that town. And I knew without asking…that he had been one of those young boys.
It is hard to believe that such things could happen…and that such things could possibly go on.
Could you call it sexual perversion?
Or some kind of sickness?
I have been looking around town and I am seeing more and more young girls involved in lesbianism…and gay young men. One day while shoveling the snow last week 2 young women just happened to pass by…and I could see that one of them could have possibly have been gay.
I have to clarify this just a bit…I don’t want to say that she was ‘gay‘…because I have a friend who accuses me of ‘always calling everybody gay.’ It might be a bit hard to believe…but even I have had to come face to face with it.
And you know what?
Yes, I am a bit homophobic. Gay most of my life…and now finding myself homophobic…and if the truth be told…I have always been so. There is no rhythm nor reason to it. I am odd…to some degree. I really am.
So, I work hard at trying not to be homophobic…and I don’t think I am homophobic in the classical sense. Not as most people know or understand homophobic to be. But because once I came out of the life…I had even become somewhat scornful. And that is the problem with sin. I have seen it in people who were involved in drugs or alcohol. They are quick to hurl words like “that ol’ crack addict’….or ‘that ol’ bum’ or ‘ol’ drunk.’
Yes, falling into scornfulness once you come out of being something yourself…is quite easy. And it is a danger.
I felt for my friend and have felt for him for many years. He seemed to always be in need of validating his manhood. And I have no doubt that it was because of his early experiences. Those men were paedophiles.
As children we have no power to dictate what will or will not happen to us. The only power we have is over our future. There is much we might have liked to have changed in our past…but that time is gone. And there were things and times we would love to take back and changed even today. But that too may be impossible.
Some children carry guilt with them forever. And really we all do…we are just not as scared as some other children are or were. But we all have been scared…and no matter what anyone says-
“We do carry these scars forever.”
However, I could see that one of the young ladies, of the 2 who walked by as I was shoveling… by her apparel seemed to be dressed a bit…well…shall we say ‘non-feminate.’ Which is something you really cannot go by today…since a lot of girls are choosing to wear their clothes baggy and with pants hanging down too…like most of their male counter-parts. Something which I may address later…as I have much to say on the matter.
So, lets say she looked ‘AG.’ I learned that this past summer from a couple women friends of mine in New York. It stands for ‘aggressive.‘
So, I thought as I had glanced up and saw the 2 young women that they might have been ‘gay.’ A few minutes later the non-AG one came walking back alone but along beside was a car of guys trying to talk to her as their car drove beside her…and I heard her say-
“Yeah, but my girl….and my girl…my girl…”
And I knew that that was what she called her friend…the other girl whom I had seen her with earlier. But in my day we called them ‘our lover.’ But everything changes over time…even me.. And I am so happy that I am.
But I have noticed increased numbers of gay people…perhaps it is that I am more keyed in to them than most people. I don’t know…but it seems to be on a raise. And I have to be concerned.
I am not concerned because I am afraid of gay people…or that I have a fear that they are seeking to turn the world gay…or that there is some master plot or plan somewhere. No, that is insane.
My fear is for my friends…those whom I left ‘in the life.’ People whom I loved…and shared many good times with. Women who help me to grow up and mature…and how to celebrate my ‘femininity.’ Not all women in the life are hard core and butchy…far from it. And I feel for the young boys and girls who are falling into a lifestyle…that I used to be in. I am concerned about them.
I had fun while I was in it…but I was never happy. I thought that was who I was…but it was not. It is funny I always felt that I was happy though…but I never knew how unhappy I was in that life until God pulled me out it.
I have heard many proclaim that it is a ‘gene’…a ‘sickness’…a ‘chromosome.’ But I know it is none of those things. There are many desires we fall prey to. Many things that we become curious about. Things we seek to find out more about…experiment with. They are choices that we choose to make. To do…or not to do…that is the question?
When I used to hang out, I used to hear the gay guys talking and laughing about the guys they used to pick up. The joke was they would go out to find the most manly men they could find only to take them back to wherever…and the men would lay down and throw their legs up in the air looking for the gay guys to do them. The gay guys would do what they call ‘howl’…they would howl on end at that. Meaning they laughed themselves almost to tears…because they found it to be so funny. And I imagine it was funny.
After all the gay guys were the ones who were ostracized for being ‘gay.’ And here were these big burly mucho men…quick to lay down and give it up in a heartbeat. Which reminds me of my cousin, Vincent, who used to tell me stories.
Vincent told me how he used to look out his apartment window and see the telephone man up the pole…how he would catch the man’s attention then with his finger indicate ‘come here.’ He said the man hurried down the pole and into his apartment.
Vincent told me of another time…when the UPS man delivered a package to his apartment and how he had invited the UPS man in for a cup of tea. And I am sure that you can guess the rest.
These stories may seem a bit amusing to you. But what they show is that there is something wrong…and it is not always with those whom you or many others would chose to blame. Gay people take the wrap for many things. But they are not the culprit…nor does the fault lie within them. But, however, it is those people who would never call themselves ‘gay’…who parade around as though they did not indulge in such things…and are the biggest perpetrators. It is these people who prey upon children…not gay people. Like all those old men in that town where my friend grew up…men who had families and pretended to be both godly and honest decent…upstanding men…while all the while ruining the lives of young children. These people who prey upon children are paedophiles…they are sick beyond understanding.
They are Benjamintes.
There is a book in the Bible…and at the end of this book there is this story about a priest who goes after this harlot which has left him to return to her family. Claiming to love her so much that he couldn’t do without her, the priest goes after her and upon setting out to return to wherever he came from…it turns dark. And he decides to turn into a city of his own people feeling that he and his woman will be safe there for the night. While there the priest encounters an old man who invites him to come and spend the night in his home…as he informs the priest that it is not safe to sleep in the streets of that city.
Shortly after the man and priest enter into the old man’s house…a group of men pay a visit to the old man’s home. They bang on the door and demand that the old man send out the priest…so that they ‘may have their way with him.’ It was a sad story…that ended in the woman being casted out into street to the men who had come seeking to have sex with the priest. That city was not Sodom or Gomorrah. Those men were men of Benjamin…they were Benjamites. And that city was plagued with morbid men corrupt in their nature.
I don’t know what has prompted me to write this. It is hard to do so…but it is not anti-gay…if anything it is anti-those who pretend that they are not something much worst. And unlike that woman years ago who came out against homosexuality…I have forgotten her name (Anita something or other…the one who caused gay people everywhere to ban drinking orange juice back in the ’70′s)…and it was soon discovered that it had all been because she had found out that her husband was gay. I am not her…I don’t have those kind of problems. But I am concerned about some things.
Maybe it is that I am concerned about how gays are always under attack. Or maybe I am concerned about all the lies concerning homosexuality and lesbianism. Or maybe I am concerned about all the confusion in this world. Or perhaps I am just confused as to what I really concerned about.
I don’t even know if this thing even will make any sense to anyone. I really don’t.
Perhaps, I am just too analytical.
I loved my cousin Vincent dearly. He was more manly than most men…yet I know for most of his life he had to fight being jeered and called names because he was so effeminate.
One night late while returning to his apartment a woman screamed out in the distance and my cousin Vincent went running to save her. He grabbed and threw down the man who had been attacking and attempting to rob and possibly rape that woman. And he held that man down on the ground until the police came. No one gave him a metal. No one put a star on the walk way outside where he used to live. He went running in the dark to recue a woman who had screamed out into the dark of night for help. He did what a lot of men…so-called ‘real’ men would not have done…and he did it without thought of injury to himself. That was the kind of person he was.
Vincent was the kind of guy who held the door open for women to walk through. He would pull out your chair so you could be seated. He helped women with their coats…and he would get up out of a seat to offer his seat if he saw her standing. He was a gentlemen…worth more than 50,000 or more of the so-called real men.
He would give the shirt off his back to friend or a stranger…and family. He was always giving…and quite caring. Quite handsome and always nice…and friendly. I never once saw him angry…though I had seen him hurt. And knew when he was in pain.
Vincent died from A.I.D.S. many years ago…and I am sure that when those men, the telephone man and UPS man…finished their day’s work whatever day that was when they paid Vincent a visit…that they went home to their wives or their girlfriends…pretending.
Speaking of which, I went to dinner the other night with my son and one his church friends…a young lady. They told me a slightly amusing story about another church girl.
“Oh, she don’t know God didn’t bless her with that car so she couldn’t drive nobody nowhere,” said my son’s friend who was out with us.
Then she dropped the bomb saying how their mutual church friend had just got a brand new car and was out driving one day. The girl told how my son and her mutual friend just happened to come across this boy whom she used to go to school with many years ago. So, seeing the boy was walking the girl offered him a ride to wherever he was going.
So, the boy got in…the girl then commence to ask the boy if he was interested in watching a movie and how she would cook him some dinner. The boy agreed and while the girl was in her kitchen throwing together the pots…cooking turkey wings, macaroni & cheese, warming some greens, making corn bread and things…the boy came and told the girl that he had felt something down in her car. So, she gave him her car keys.
Yes, the boy stole the woman’s car…while she was busy as a bee singing and humming to herself as she slung together her pots cooking…and thinking about what she was hoping to get in between the movie.
Now, how foolish was that?
As the girl at our table continued to talk…she began talking about herself and how she only ‘likes older men.’ Now, I am my son’s mother and we are out with a friend of his whom he just happened to offer if she would like to join us. I don’t know but when I was growing up there things that I would have never talked about in the company of one of my friend’s mother.
I find young women today lacking. They seemed to be overcome by a strong desire to only have sex…and if they are not having sex then all they want to do is talk about it. They consume themselves and their conversations with nothing else.
The young lady who had joined us at the restaurant was suppose to be in church…and her friend that they, she and my son had told the story about…the one who’s car was stolen. Well, she was the church secretary. Their minds are as corrupt as everyone else’s. The issue of sex is such a huge issue…even in the church.
There is indeed much to be concerned about. And I am, therefore, concerned…
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Add a comment January 15, 2009
I was shocked when I read this story in Vibe magazine. I would have never realized the things that they were going through…and had gone through as they were all growing up. It is a shame some of the things that many children are forced to endure. There is little wonder why some have such anger and rage years later. On the surface who would have thought what hidden darkness they had locked within. Family secrets can be some of the worst kind of secrets.
They were one of the hottest family groups along with the Jackson’s to emerge from Motown. It is funny how success usually is often rooted in so much pain, sorrow and personal sadness.
A large family of 8 boys and 2 girls… Bunny, El, Randy, Mark and James made up the DeBarges, the Motown singing group, who left home from Detroit by way of Grand Rapids, Michigan to LA in search of success… but they were haunted by many sad memories that perhaps they had been trying to escape…but found that they couldn’t.
Two other members of the family made up part of the group called Switch which was also hot during the early 80′s, Bobby and Tommy.
Tortured by the deep dark secrets they all shared and carried into their success in the 80′s, they were colored by a past that ultimately claimed most of their lives. Their lives have been left shattered…and though the church could not and did not help shield them from the events that were taking place in their home as very young children…but over time some have found healing and renewing in God.
You can read the full story below. It is sad…and painful to read.
When I think of the times that a friend and I used to rush home to catch them being showcased on TV shows, and how we used to laugh at them. Though we loved their music and them…it always struck us, me and one of my friends, that the boys…were well rather ‘sweet.’ And I am shamefully sorrowful of that now.
We should not poke fun or laugh at others. And I will not blame it upon my youth nor on the lack of proper home training.
I never laughed at people with disabilities but I have seen people who have…and I have seen them do it openly as I was growing up. These people, of course, were not in our family…because my parents were not that kind of people. Plus they would not have ever allowed it of us. Nor did they indulge in gossiping or talking or laughing about anyone. Yes, they would occasionally chuckle about things. But they were never mean spirited or degrading people, nor did they find fault with people or talk or laughed about anyone.
I laughed at those boys, fine as they were but yet so effeminate…I found humor in that.
Should we laugh at such things and pick fun at people?
No. We should not.
And I regret having ever done it…which is why I am writing this blog.
I have never liked preachers doing such things as finding humor at the expense of gay people. It seems that within the church everything else is sacred accept poking fun and making jokes about gay people. They do not do that with any other sin…prostitution, lying, stealing, murdering…none of these things find their way into a Sunday morning sermon or any other time…as a joke.
Then why should they find it okay to make jokes about gays, lesbians or homosexuals?
And really the church is loaded with… Well, it is loaded with some of everything. And a lot of times from the top to the bottom…somebody is doing something which they should not be doing or acting out in ways which are not Godly.
And I am not trying to come down on the church or incite a war of words. But the church is full of everything. It was true in Jesus’ time and it is still very true today. The church is even full of predators. Not so long ago at least 10 Priests in the upper North East, the Massachusetts…Boston area were found quilty of such acts…leaving in their wake hundreds of very shattered and broken lives.
In Connecticut a preacher impregnated a 12 year girl that he had been routinely been engaging in sexual intercourse with. Since she was 12 when she had the baby…she had to be 11 or maybe 10 if not younger when he first got started.
This was the plight of the DeBarge children.
Without a doubt there should be some level of sensitivity with regards to making jokes that are belittling and unkind to anyone at any time. And particularly any jokes about all those lost in sin… any sin. The church is suppose to loving and giving in spirit. Yet, it is sanctuary for all types of activity as well.
Once well sitting in the choir as a young teen…I was seated beside this boy. His father was preaching less than…I don’t know…less that 4 or 5 feet away. And this boy produced from under his choir robe his…….. and tried to pulled my hand across to touch it. I at the time did not quite understand anything about erections or anything else. But that was what he had…and his father was preaching right there beside us as his son did this one Sunday morning…in front of the whole church. It is hard for me to believe that no one sitting in the church that Sunday saw our exchange as we were seated on the front row of the choir facing outward…must less seeing what he had in his hand.
Nor, will I ever forget the night I dropped this woman home following church service that night…and this was not so very long ago. As I pulled in front of her building and she was about to get out of my car she suddenly turned to me and kissed me in a way no woman had ever kissed me before. And having come out of lesbianism…that should
speak volumes as to how and the way this woman kissed me. But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t respond. She got out and I drove home determined to not even think about what that woman had just done. And I didn’t.
I didn’t think about it…for a couple of reasons. For one thing because I didn’t want to dwell on that kiss. For another reason I just did not want to obsess about it. I felt it was a trap…orchestrated by the devil to try to lure me back into a life I had now left behind. And I was not going to fall for it. So, I shoved that kiss and that woman aside in my mind…and never bothered to linger there thinking about it…now or then.
But the church is full of a lot of things…like whoremongers, adulterers , liars etc. None of which I see any humor in…as all sin is sin and shameful. But for some reason people in the church really like to poke fun and laugh about gay people…and no one seems to find that to be offensive…but me it seems.
It is almost as though it is open season on gays in most churches while all else is taboo as something to joke about. None of it should be something to joke about. Perhaps it is that none of them were ever gay…or maybe they just do not want to confess to it. But there must be some reason for this.
Here were these children, the DeBarges, growing up in the church and such nasty things were going on in their own home from the earliest of ages. And I laughed at them when they finally hit the stage and started performing.
They were the most beautiful family of siblings…as were those Jacksons.
And in case you do not understand what ‘fine’ means when used here this way…it means that they were fantastically handsome, terribly good looking etc…etc…etc…
But those boys acted so gay.
I didn’t try to figure it out…I didn’t try to see anything other than that. And it struck me as being humorous…and that is as sad as whatever else they had to go through…if not more so. That we should all be so small…especially me…to have thought that that was humorous.
I sincerely apologize for that now. Not just because I now have a part inkling of their story, affliction and pain that they were forced to suffer…but because it was wrong of me to do so in the first place. And particularly because of all the misery and heartaches they have all had to come through and to have to bear in their lives very young children.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for a child to grow up having a father who is a predator…and using his own children sexually for most of their years growing up.
In August of 1996, Bobby DeBarge at the age of 39 died after years of alcohol and drugs abuse. He died from complications AIDS related. He was named after his father, Robert Louis DeBarge, a man who frequently sexually abused his own children beginning very early in their childhood. Bobby was a multi-talented song writer, lead singer and musican. In 1988 both he and his younger, Chico, were arrested for attempting to traffic drugs, they served 6 years in prison.
In October of this year, 2008, El DeBarge was back in court on more drug charges, vandalism and domestic violence. Though for many years El was able to not fall prey to the demons chasing him, as well as, his other sisters and brothers…but following Bobby’s death and other family issues, El too soon fell to the demons chasing them all.
Update on EL: I was very happy to see El last week when he emerged on the Soul Train Music Awards Show. He looks absolutely great… and he sounded great too. I am happy for him. Trying to pull your life back together is not an easy accomplishment. But thank God it can happen.
Bunny today is free of drugs and alcohol. She is saved and a mother. She is living her life as a Christian and has just finished writing a book called “The Kept Ones,” a tell all autobiography.
James DeBarge who was once married to Janet Jackson for a few weeks before her family had the marriage annulled, is also saved and living his life as a Christian, as well is their mother, Etterlene DeBarge.
You can CLICK the LINK S below to read the whole VIBE magazine story.
Their mother Etterlene DeBarge, which is also Bunny’s real name, is 72 with her own page on myspace.
Their lives have not been easy. But through it all they have a testimony of survival, defying the odds and are attempting to rise above, and through it all to once again unite as a family victorious through Christ Jesus.
In the words of James DeBarge in the last youtube video clip below-
Child abuse hurts…and in many cases it ruins people’s lives. Many never recover from it. Some just learn how to go on. But we all remember it…and it does remain with us for the rest of our lives whether it appears on the outside or not.
UPDATE: July 29, 2010…Robert Debarge, the father, died last year, August 2009. What a very sad, lonely and broken man he must have been for all the horrors he committed. Truly a sad story…which I understand is soon going to hit the big screen.
UPDATE: August 7, 2012…Just checking on my files and things as I usually do…when I spotted that a few people had been looking for info on the death of James. Immediately, I hit the internet looking thinking that James must have just died. But thank God… he has not. But I came across some pictures of him… and he has really aged.
In looking at his pictured I noticed how much he looks like his father. It must be hard waking up in the morning and looking into the mirror and seeing him… the face of the man who used to abuse you and all your other siblings.
I imagine that they all have good days… and bad days. There are some scars that never go away. That kind of hurt most hurt forever…but thank goodness for Jesus, He can make a difference. A lot of things become easier to bare because of Him.
Let us keep them all lifted up in our prayers.
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61 comments December 14, 2008