B. SCOTT…drag QUEEN…

I just happened to come across this person while writing my last blog.  And after watching some footage of him I knew I had to write something on him.

His name is B. Scott and he classifies himself as being androgynous… kind like what Michael wanted to be… somewhere between being male and female.

I have seen few people who have pretended to be as happy as B. Scott pretends like he is.  When I was in ‘the life’ I thought I was happy too.  But I never pretended like I was over joyed with it.  Over a period of time I just came to accept it… which I guess if you finally settle upon ‘this is who I am’ you tend to do.  You just start to kind of accept it.  Which is what B. Scott said he finally came to do.

Though I have seen thousands of gay guys and women who acted like they were super dupper happy being gay.  I had also seen them …many of them in the tears because they wished they could be like everyone else.

When I watched this video on YouTube by B. Scott… the 1 below… it really prompted me to write this blog.  Because there were a few things that he said that really gave me insight as to who he is… and why.

(I’ve got to find the right video)  But in the YouTube video  B. tells of how people used to say to him when he was a little boy, ‘You so pretty you should have been born a girl.’

In hearing that it made me think of my son, who at the age of 13… 1 day broke down and started crying saying to me that I would never be a grandmother.  Then he said that he must be ‘gay’ because everyone told he that.

How could I defeat what he was saying?

At the time I was not saved.  I was speechless and did not know what to say.  I was shocked.

Today I would rebuke that devil and call the devil and liar.  But that day… I was speechless.  I did not know what to say.

I must confess to being 1 of those gay mothers who was seriously homophobic… terribly.  But I never pushed my thoughts nor my fears over onto my son.    Well, I hope not… certainly never intentionally.   But there was a period in my life when he could nothing right.  I hollered at him about everything.  I did not realize that I was doing that though until a woman who was part of my film shoot on my short film… a niece to Florida of ‘Good Times’… pointed it out to me and talked to me about it.  She said, ‘Why are you always yelling at him?’

I never realized that I did.  But I am glad she brought it to my attention.  I might have drove my son away… but thank God that did not happened.  That big headed boy took me out to dinner last night… to very expensive sea food restaurant that we both like.  But I do not love him because he treats me to thing… or buys me stuff…  I love him because he is ‘my son.’  And I thank God for him.

I had never heard anyone call him that… that word… ‘gay.’   Though I think they were careful not to do so while I was around… as I would not have liked it.  Though I must say that at an early age I started to feel like I was seeing certain signs of it.  But here is where I want to tell you how the devil works.

You are not seeing anything that the devil has not put in your mind.  Your young children know nothing about sex… but the devil will toy with your brain and make you believe you are seeing things which are not there.

You don’t believe me????

Let me share with you this.  One night while in my apartment in downtown Brooklyn…. as I was leaving the living room to go towards my bedroom I looked down at the floor.  Upon looking down I saw the floor was covered with large water bugs everywhere.  I mean swarming with them everywhere.  I quickly looked up and said to myself, ‘the devil is a liar.’
I don’t know where that came from… but that is what I said.  Then I looked back down at the floor and there were no water bugs anywhere.  It had all been a figment of my imagination… brought about from the devil knowing that I had a fear of those things.  Which came about by the fact that occasionally I would see a water bug in my apartment…  something that my landlord refused to believe.

But that night the devil had decided that he was going to drive me mad… meaning crazy by presenting to me a ton of those horrible things crawling all over my apartment floor around me… and they covered my entire apartment floor.  But I did not go crazy.  God kept my mind… because He did not let me fall for it.  I merely shut my eyes for whatever reason… (as I did not know it was God’s doing at the time)…  I just started believing that they were not there.  You would have had to seen them.  They were so real.

This is how I know that people can see things… which look as real as anything you can touch or feel… and it not really be there.  It was just something that the devil presented to me… and had made it appear real to me because he knew I was afraid of those things. Of which New York seems to me have quite a few of them.

http://www.glaad.org/blog/oregon-mother-charged-killing-her-son-because-she-thought-he-was-gay

The woman in the above link killed her 4 year old son because she believed he was gay.  The devil truly had her mind that she would have done such an insane thing.  But he does and can plants seeds in your head… and make you see and hear things which are not really there.   And if you are not careful… and  you let them take root in you… you will believe what the devil has planted and will act out in whatever way he wants you to.

One day I heard a friend of mine yelling at 1 of her grandsons… ‘Put that rope down, boy.  You ain’t no girl.’

What does having a jump rope in your hand have to do with being gay?

So, what if a little boy wants to jump rope.  It does not mean he wants to grow long hair and become a girl.

But my friend did not realize that she was planting seeds… that 1 day would grown into just what she was asking for.

I had wanted to badly to tell her that what she and other members in her family were doing to him in regards to calling her grandson a ‘girl’… or saying to him had some ‘girl in him’ was wrong.  But I knew they would not listen to me… so I did not.  But now in hindsight I realized I should have tried …if for no other reason other than for her grandson’s sake.

We must speak LIFE to your children.  And do not let anyone speak DEATH to them… not even in joking.  Calling your boy child a girl is speaking death to him… or your girl child a boy.  Don’t do it.  Encourage them to have fun… let them enjoy themselves as children without you putting all your own sexual hangups upon them.

So, when I watched and listened to the above video of B. Scott I realized just how he had come to be and why.  I understand him… not so much because of what my son had said to me.  But because I understand how little children can become confused as to who they are if people keep pushing them in some other direction by saying ignorant things to them that makes them believe what people are saying about them.  And I guess that does kind of fit directly with what my son had said to me.

My entrance into ‘the life’ was very different… it had nothing to do with anyone calling me a ‘boy.’   Because frankly I never looked like 1… nor did I ever want to be 1.  Though I wasn’t much of a baby doll playing little girl either.  I don’t think I tried climbing trees… but I did try my hand at trying to fix a couple of things when I was young.

But being the oldest my youth was superseded by my having to learn how to do things at an early age… like washing dishes.  I do not know how old I was when my father pushed a chair up to the kitchen sink… but that was the beginning of my years of me being our family dishwasher.  Then I was taught how to cook… and the list goes on and on…

I was introduced to sex at a very early age.  Not via any family members but outside of our home.  Only twice had it happened.  But it happened before I had a voice or knew I had a voice or any idea of what was happening.  That is not to say I was an infant.  I was just a very young innocent child of maybe 6…7… or 8.   And the 2 times it happened they happened at varying times… not close or together.  Maybe a year or so apart… can’t remember that part.

I made mention on 1 of the times in 1 of my other blogs not so long ago.  It was a time that I almost got gang raped… but God said ‘no.’  That was the first time that someone took advantage of me.  But those 2 experiences marked my life forever… and how I think and feel about people who take advantage or abuse children.

But contrary to what many people may say or think… sexual preference many times may not have anything to do with what you were indoctrinated to… or let me say it this way first introduced to sexually.

Though I have spoken to many gay guys and they had the opposite experience… and some women too.  It did lead them into a life of homosexuality.  And a lot of times it happened to them with someone who took advantage of them sitting in some position in the church… lived in their apartment building… was a close friend to their mother or father… and ‘yes’ even sometimes it was a relative… or a daughter or a son of the 1 their parent’s friend.  One of my times was such a case as that.  My mother must have known… as she never went to visit that friend ever again.

But going back to this guy B. Scott in watching his videos I felt sorry for him… because I understood him in ways that many people will never get to.  And I also recognized his gaiety… or supposed happiness… really to be his sadness.

Love you, B. Scott.  And hoping that 1 day God will do a work in your life like he did in mine.  I hope the same for my son…. and the many sons and daughters dealing with identity problems… issues… or sexual confusion.

And I hope your laughter and smiles will become ‘real’… and turn into a joy that surpasses all understanding 1 day.

And that 1 day you will look into a mirror and see how really handsome you are… and start loving the ‘real’ you’ and not that the ones who were agents of devil told you were… but who God really made you to be.

Well, God bless…. I am really supposed to be doing something else right now.  But I just wanted to take the time to do this blog really quickly.  I hope that it falls upon fertile ground…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2014

2 comments April 17, 2014

RAVEN SYMONE… GAY?????

I am sorry but I just can’t wrap my mind around it.  I may just go to my grave not believing this.

Now, all of this from an ex-lesbian myself… and a person who has a friend who is FOREVER telling me how I think everybody is gay.  Well, this story proves that to be wrong.  Because I just cannot believe that Raven Symone is actually gay.

Maybe she is just going through a phase.  All kids go through them…  even me.  And perhaps even you did too.

“A phase’… a time in our life when we tried different things then moved on.

Raven might well argue this point.  But time will tell.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/08/05/it-s-not-easy-for-black-celebrities-like-raven-symone-to-come-out.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/reliable-source/wp/2013/08/04/love-etc-raven-symone-quietly-comes-out/

Now, I am not saying that Raven doesn’t know her own mind.  But she lives in Hollywood.  Nothing is real in Hollywood.  Everything is make-believe.  And maybe this might be too.

Supposedly involved in love relationship… or sexual relationship… Raven is said to be  entangled with this woman… some ‘the next top model’ woman.

Now 27 Raven clearly at this point is supposed to be a grown woman.  Least ways that is the supposed experts say.   But I ask you-

At 27 were you really all that grown?

I wasn’t.  And that is for sure.

It was not until I was 25 that I actually branched out and started to become sexually involved.  I know… I know.  I was late.  But up until that point I was pretty much in Church with my parents.   Well… not quite.  I had stopped going to church though…  but had to move out first before I could.  But I had not yet hit the clubs or anything like it until a few months after I turned 25… a couple of years out of college.

This is when I started frequenting clubs… if you care to call it that.  Because I really didn’t frequent clubs… and I was never a bar person because I simply did not drink… and wasn’t going to try.  And I totally hated bars… and the kind of people who sat in them drinking most of their nights away.

In fact, when I did start going out it was to disco clubs… and yes they were gay… in New York… and Manhattan to be exact.  And I only liked clubs with all women… primarily black women.  So, that limited the places where I went.  These were places like ‘Bonnie & Clyde’s’… ‘Shahara,’ which was kind of mixed but up-scale… etc.  I liked up-scale… but mostly went to ‘Bonnie & Clyde’s’ because they had more black women.  In fact, they were all mostly black… mostly Afro-centric.

But as I have stated in my previous blog,s in which I have wrote on this subject on being gay… or lesbian… and/or  lesbianism.  Since I was in media… a professional radio announcer… I was undercover, as most people were in my time.  And during my time… when I was young being ‘out’ really wasn’t the ‘in-thing’ to do.

To tell you the truth ‘outing’ yourself… or coming out of the closet… really is a evolving thing.  Though many people are now coming ‘out’ the masses, I would say have not.  There are many who feel it would hurt their image… their businesses… their law practices… their family relationships… etc…etc..

So, as they call it today… I had to be on the down-low.  Which I guess Raven is claiming to have been.. until now.   Since she recently twitted that she is gay and can now get married… though she says she has not immediate plans to do so.

I never really hung out in town… rarely, and never became involved with anyone in my hometown. Which really was not by plan or design… it just ended up being that way.  Because when I could not get to New York… I partied in a nearby town that had tons of black women who were very attractive… upwardly mobile and were ‘in the life.’  I did that until something happened with the Warehouse… it closed down.   And then I discovered the wonders of New York City… and I do wonders.

I was 25 and the world was my playground.  At those early ages of your young adulthood… you really are just trying to find yourself.

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/gossip/la-et-mg-raven-symone-gay-comes-out-twitter-lesbian-20130805,0,111959.story

But going back to Raven.  Having been removed from that life by some years now… and with no desire or intentions to ever go back into it…  I always become sadden when I hear … read or see young girls who have gravitated towards a gay lifestyle.  You see them everywhere today… and it is not hard to tell them either.  And some of them appear to be quite young.

I know many who will not agree with me on this… and some will even get mad.  But that is okay… get mad.  And I really do not care who does or does not agree with me.

But I have seen the loneliness… witnessed the heartbreaks… saw the tears…  and been there myself more than a few times.  I must say this also…

You cannot expect to be happy when you are living outside of the will of God.

There were, of course, numerous times I felt that I was quite happy while I was doing my thing ‘in the life’… that is what we called it then… besides saying ‘I’m gay’ or ‘I’m a lesbian.’  You would just say ‘I’m in the life.’

But way down deep I was not happy.  I do realize that now… but didn’t then.  And I am not saying that people cannot or are not lonely… unhappy… or do not shed tears in heterosexual life, or any other lifestyle.  But therein lies the problem.

When you live in a world that you define yourself by your sexual preference… then this means you are living to satisfy your sexual being.  In Church they call it being ‘carnal.’ 

I can clearly say that while I was in that life… sex had a hold of me.  And when I was loosed from the bondage of being gay… a lesbian… and released from desiring sex during great periods of my waking time…  I cannot tell you how happy I have come to be free of it all.

I now know real happiness… and have a freedom that I just cannot explain.  When I didn’t have a lover while I was in that life… man…  It was all I craved. That is because I was caught up in the sex.  Sex had a hold of me.  It controlled me.  Not in the way that I just did anything… or went to bed with just anybody.

No, I wasn’t like that.  I was never that kind of person.  But sex certainly controlled me.

Today, I do not live defining myself sexually.  There is no need.

Why would I want to?

My life is not defined sexually.  I am greater than being just a sexual being.  Sex no longer has its control over me.  I am free.  And I walk in liberty.

A very beautiful young lady, Raven is very much grown up… and definitely seems to have her head on in the right place, and clearly very much unlike most Hollywood types.  It is my hope that if Raven Symone really is gay… and I say ‘if’ because a lot of women… and young girls try it.  For some it is nu-vogue… the thing to do.  To walk around telling people that they have a ‘girl-friend.’   It is kind of a hip thing for them.

But if Raven is… I hope that it is merely just a stage in her life.  A stage that she will soon get over… and move on from it without too much pain.  And that she is fortunate enough to be discovered by a wonderful man… who will love her… become her husband, and the father to her children.

Well, I have said it.  Now, I guess I am going to hear from a lot of people who may disagree.  But that is okay… I love hearing from you all… whether we are in agreeance of not.

Well, God bless… I’m waiting on my son now who is suppose to be coming to pick me up.  So, let me just say quickly… I hope you have a beautiful rest of the week.

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2013

Add a comment August 7, 2013

JUANITA BYNUM and WOMEN??? EDDIE LONG…why NOW?

Continue Reading 4 comments July 19, 2012

Weiner as dumb as they come… sexual intrigue over the internet…

How do you jeopardize everything by getting caught up in virtual sex?

Believe it or not so many people are caught up in sexual internet encounters.  They are intrigued with meeting up with sexual partners over the internet…and go rushing to get back on-line day after day… or night after night to continue their on-line internet intrigue of sexual encounters.  With many of them… ‘the people’  doing this…ending up rushing off to meet physically  with their virtual love interest.

You would not believe the numbers…

Yes, ‘the NUMBERS’ of people that become introduced via social networks over the computer is astounding.  And they become so wrapped up in technical instruments… be it their computer or their cell phone… their ipad… or laptop …as long as it keeps them plugged into whoever it is that is whetting their sexual appetites over those instruments.

What is the intrigue?

What is the enticement?

What makes so many men and women crazy enough to get so deeply involved in this kind of thing?

And you would be surprised about the number of  women and men who are in ‘the church’ who are as involved in this type of  behavior… if not more so than those outside of the church.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-banks-20110611,0,6807419.column

I first learned of  this when I happened to be downtown Brooklyn preparing to get ready for an edit session, when an older minister came swinging into the room.  He proclaimed that he was on his way out of  town but wanted to check on something over the computer.  The room was lined with computers… and he fell into a seat at 1 of them… and he began talking to me as he struck the keypad to the computer.

He told me how he was meeting up with women over the internet for sex, and that this was how he was now spending much of his time.

Without any shame or remorse he began opening up pictures over the internet to show me various black women he had carried on with… and was now carrying on with.  They were mostly women outside of  New York… a lot of them in the south.  But I was…

Well, I was shocked.

All I could think was…

“What kind of Preacher is this?”

I stood there looking down on the man… as he gleefully went about his task of communicating with these women over the internet.  I could not phantom myself wanting to do anything like that.

That man had it bad… but if I thought he was bad… 1 of my sisters overtook him.  And soon after…

Well, maybe a year or so later after finding out about her absorbtion in this mess… I came to find out that thousands of women had fallen into the very same trick bag.  And they too were rushing off to points unknown… like crazy to meet up with men that they had become enticed with over the internet.

Not to mention the hundreds of  women who up and marry strangers that they become entangled with over their computers.

This thing is an epidemic.  Truly…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/08/anthony-weiner-wife-pregnant_n_873429.html

I don’t understand it… but I know that it can all happen quickly.

I recall when I first started learning the computer… which believe it or not really wasn’t so long ago.  Oh… yes it was… now that I think about it.  It was about 10 years ago…   No, I think a little more.

My then lover had taken it upon herself  to teach me how to get started.  We had gone up over to the Black Voices’ site into a chat room.

Remember those?

Don’t hear too much about them today… since 1 on 1 conversations have proven to be far more better…I guess.  You also don’t have wonder about who is talking to who.  And besides  the technology has improved vastly.   It has become by far very much more advanced.

But back then it wasn’t all that shabby either  over a period of time… basically slower… much slower.

But getting back to what I was saying… as we were sitting there at the computer… me and my lover… I got my first ‘IM.’   I didn’t even know what the thing was… it was an ‘instant message’ she told me.  But it was really more like an ‘instant photo.’

Wow… this was great I thought.  But my lover didn’t like it… because the woman was attractive and told me all kinds of information about herself.  She lived in D.C. etc…etc…  But that thang came so quick… it was just like that.  And if my lover had not been sitting there I might have struck up a conversation with that woman.

But today the technology is even better… and quicker.  The systems are more compact and lighter as well.  You don’t need to sit at your dusty computer all night anymore.  All you need is your cell phone or ipad… or whatever you have and the possibilities are unlimited.

But would you really risk it all for some lewd encounter over the internet?

I was never really a chat room person.  But the 1 sister I referenced above… she stayed there.  Now, she is on to the next level…social networks.  First it was myspace…now facebook… and who knows what else.

She has met countless men during the course of these past …I don’t know …but I am sure more than 10 years of being involved in this type of behavior.  She is overcome by it… and sadly many many …many other women are too.

Personally, I think it is just a step up from prostitution.  You are just not getting paid for it.  Well, maybe they are if you consider dinner and a cheap hotel constellation for your services.

Needless to say… I have spent many hours considering the actions which she takes so lightly… and prayerfully so.  I find it hard to believe that anyone would trust such encounters… if for no other reason than just the health risk alone.

How do you so willingly trust people who many of them over the internet… use a bunch of alias’… and tell a bunch of lies.

And if they really had anything going on in their lives would not have to be meeting up with people over the internet.

And the worst thing about it is this…

• How do you go running off to meet up with somebody you don’t even know?

And all that you do know is what they have told you… which for the most case is a bunch of  nothing.  Just some stuff to make you all hot and bothered… and eager to give them what they want.

Maybe, I am not the brightest or the smartest… but I am not going to involve myself with seeking out people over the internet to fall into bed with… or with the hope that they will become my husband or wife.

The old fashion way of meeting people… and getting to know people worked just fine for me when I was doing that kind of thing.  And I would never be fool enough to want to risk my life… or livelihood on a virtual reality relationship of any sort.

Evidently, Congressman Weiner was quite proud of his lower half.    So much so that he would take pictures of it and forward them out to women …and possibly young girls… over the internet.

It is all so boyish to me… childish.  I recall when growing up… and it seemed that young boys are so anxious to show you their stuff.  I really cannot remember how many times those of the male species had exposed themselves to me.  Or tried to grab my hand and try to force me to touch something that I did not want to touch… that was attached to them.

But certainly by the time they become adults… I would think that they would have all grown out of obsession with it.  But not so.

Once while standing down on the platform of the subway waiting on my train… I happened to glance across to the platform just across from me.  There staring at me was a man openly exposed with his penis in hand and ejaculating.

I have no idea of what all the intrigue with their lower part is… but somehow those men who have not outgrown playing with themselves in public places… or flashing themselves at women… truly they need to get a life.  And put their hands and heads on bigger and brighter things in this world.

And some women are just as bad… but they do it in other less obvious ways.

No doubt it is truly a spirit which overtakes people.  But the Bible says… ‘be ye not enticed.’

I find nothing enticing in it.  I have always shied away from people who seemed to be too sexually aggressive.  I found it to be a big turn off.  Today… though I do not dwell on sex… but I know that many do.

I am so happy that God released me from the trap that I was in.  I used to be driven by sexual desire.  It was all I could think of.

Some might say that I was a late bloomer since I had not dealt sexually until after I hit the ripe old age of 25.  But even then I was timid… highly selective… and quite discrete.

But sexual desire had me.  It held me captive.  But thank God… He set this captive free… and I now walk in liberty.

I cannot think of anything I would rather not do …than to once again fall prey to my old sexual ways.  To be caught up in sex.  It was all I would think about… and all I wanted to do.  I am soooooooo happy to be free.

But Weiner was as dumb as they get.

As much as I was driven by my desires… I never did anything that would make a fool out of me.

Perhaps, I was a bit prudish in my ways.  I had heard it said of  me… that I liked doing it… but I just didn’t like talking about it.  Nor was I willing to film any video tape footage of me indulging sexually… or take any photos of me naked.  I have to admit that… at the time I liked to hang out at a certain nude beach… but that was the extent of my public exposure.

Once a woman sent me a nude photo of  herself.  This was before computers… when I opened the envelope I was horrified.  I dropped that picture like it was something hot.  The woman was totally naked… and she had positioned herself with her legs wide open. I will stop there.

I could barely pick up that picture.  I didn’t even want to touch it to stuff it back into an envelope and forward it right back to her.  How dare anyone send me such filth.  I forgot what I wrote back to that woman… but it was not nice.

No rational person would involve themselves in such behavior.  The man had a wife who based upon the news is currently pregnant with their first child… and he was or ‘is’ a Congressman.  How could he have acted so foolishly …and so carelessly.

The Bible says… ‘what is done in the dark will come to light.’

Weiner after initially lying… saying that a hacker had done it… he now states that he mistakenly sent the photo of his lower part by error over Tweeter.  He stated that when he realized his mistake he quickly tried to remove the photo.  Needless to say… by that time it was a little too late.

In all of  his excitement… Weiner certainly ‘exposed’ himself.  It came to light…

Well, I really only got up to go to the bathroom.  Never intended to write this… but I had fallen asleep with my son’s laptop resting partly on my stomach and upper legs.

So, just as I crawled back into bed… I decided to check the news headlines.  And it read… ‘Weiner admits lewd tweets.’

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/anthony-weiner-officials-investigate-messages-exchanged-teen/story?id=13818788

After nearly 2 weeks of lying about it Anthony Weiner finally decided to breakdown and tell somewhat of the truth.  It is kind of like John Edwards over his mistress and baby outside of his marriage… or like Bill Clinton in the White House with Monica.  Or like that Senator in the men’s bathroom… something about his foot and the stall next to his.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/rep-anthony-weiner-denies-tweeting-lewd-photo/story?id=13736214

We have been through it before… and it  always seems that if we give it a week or so the story will change.  The lie becomes a half truth… because you can’t really believe that a liar is really going to tell you the truth… not the whole or even the real truth.  They only admit to just enough… but never tell us really ‘the truth’ concerning the matter for which they have become embroiled.

We never quite get the whole sordid truth out of them.

But do we really need to… or expect to?

Just know for the next time… from the on-set when the story first breaks… always expect to hear the lie first.  And then later maybe… just maybe some part of a manufactured truth.

Do you recognize any of these faces?

Do you remember any of their initial stories?

And what was the final outcome?

Wait a minute… I think that there are a few pictures missing.

Is  morality a thing of the past?

I have got to get some sleep.  It is starting to rain now.  I hear it lightly hitting the windowpane.  Good night… rather morning…and enjoy  your weekend.

Well, God bless…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2011

[youtube-=http://youtu.be/-jiNEOaCi5U]

Add a comment June 11, 2011

Who is to blame?

I rarely follow 1 blog right behind the other… but I just finished reading this as I hit the button and said ‘post’ to my last blog.

It is a story about a woman who killed herself and 3 of her children with her.   Perhaps, you heard or read this story.  I now recall hearing someone vaguely mentioned something about it last week while I was in the beauty salon getting my hair done for Easter.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110427/ap_on_re_us/us_river_deaths_blame;_ylt=AvTGBx5blvs4ltAwbzNIdjA7PcB_;_ylu=X3oDMTM3c3E4MGFuBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTEwNDI3L3VzX3JpdmVyX2RlYXRoc19ibGFtZQRjY29kZQNvZmZwemYzMARjcG9zAzYEcG9zAzYEc2VjA3luX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNmYXRoZXJnZXRzY3I–

So, I just finished reading the story to the situation…just CLICK the LINK ABOVE if you want to read it too… if you haven’t done so already.

Much effort in the story…the slant in the story is who is to blame.

Who is to BLAME??????

I am a firm believer that we all have to take responsibility for all our own actions.  It is something I tried to teach my son and to all of my nieces and nephews.  Because at the end of  the day… we have no one to blame but ourselves for the course of our own lives.  And many of the events that happen in it.

In the above story about this young woman who decided to take her own life and the lives of  her children… just 3 of  them by default.  Because she had a 4th child but when she drove into the Hudson River…he being older (her eldest child)…I think the story stated that he was anywhere from 7 to 10 years old.  But he somehow managed to swim a shore.

Supposedly, just prior to the woman driving into the Hudson River… she had just had an argument with her boyfriend.  The man who happened to be the father of  her last 3 children… to which she was not married.

The story states that the father… the man who was the father of the woman last 3 children was 25 years old.  Which leads me to believe that the woman who committed the murder/suicide… was also somewhere in her early 20’s.

The story goes that she supposedly became distraught after the argument… jumped into her car after packing in her children… and headed for a ramp leading into the Hudson River.

Now, who is to blame?

It seems that many in the story blame the supposed father.  They labeled him as a cheater and other things.

Some I have no doubt blame it upon the times.

Some maybe blame it upon the hardship of  just being a mother.

Others might say that she just became ‘overwhelmed.’

Then others might just say that she was just plain crazy.

Any and all of  these might very well be true.

But I see it as a bigger picture which is why I am taking this time now… while I should be up and doing something else… to write on this issue.

And it is an issue.

Recently, 1 of  my brothers started seeking treatment for diabetes.  A couple of weeks ago he was in the hospital due to now  dying kidneys.   Upon him being released from the hospital he called me and asked me to come sit with him.  So I have.

I have also started going with him to all his doctor’s appointments… and that has meant that every week since he came out of the hospital I have been sitting in some doctor’s office listening to them discuss my brother’s condition with him and me.

A couple of  times my brother had me pull up to a liquor store telling me he was going in to cash a check.  But the other day as we were on our way to the doctor I smelled the smell of  alcohol upon him.  So, I asked him about it and he told me that-

“Yeah, I take a couple of  sips every now and then.  Ain’t no big biggy.”

Here he is dizzy and hands shaking…and his kidneys on near collapse, and he is telling  me that taking a drink of alcohol  is ‘no biggy’  …not  a big thing?

Who in the world does my brother think that he is kidding?

Perhaps, he is trying to fool himself.

But I asked the doctors-

“Is there anyway possible that he can be maintained right here at this level without him going on dialysis?”

And somewhat hesitantly the doctor kind of  said yes.  But only if  my brother did what he was supposed to do.

But while at another doctor’s office when the doctor asked him about drug abuse… my brother informed him of something I was not aware of.   He told the doctor he used to snort heroin.  I just thought people shot that up… that is how native I am about drugs and alcohol.

But when the doctor asked my brother why he had done it… my brother told him because he had gotten with the wrong girl.

The doctor then commenced to tell me brother to not blame that on the girl.  And that he… my brother had made the choice for himself  to do it.   That the girl had not forced him to do anything.

And the doctor told my brother that he needed to take the responsibility for the choices that ‘he’  …my brother had made.

Having said that I imagine that you can guess where I am going with this.  But I am lead to speak it anyhow.

In regards to the young woman who drove into the Hudson River killing herself and 3 of  her children… who would you say is to blame?

Who would you blame for her chain of  circumstances?

Who would you say put her in the situation where she found herself?

Did her environment have anything to do with it?

Was it a matter of up-bringing?

Who made the choice to lay down and bare all those children?

Would marriage have made a difference in this story?

Can anyone say that anyone does not know or believe that the act of  engaging in sex was not given to us merely for pleasure… but for procreation?

A vast majority of  women become pregnant usually after indulging once… the very first time.   This was true for me as well.  So, I know this for myself.  But I elected not to continue.

I made my choices too.

Oh, I wasn’t against having children.  I wanted as many as I could have.  Truly, when I was a very young girl I made that decision 1 day.  But I also made another decision… that I wanted to save myself for my husband.  And I did up until the age of  25.

At that point I stepped into another lifestyle that greatly variated and deviated from the thoughts of  me as that young school girl.  But had I not… I still doubt that I would have laid down and allowed people to use me time and time again without any commitment… while yet aiding me into digging myself into a deeper hole.

Because truly 1 could say that the young man in this story…the supposed father… did aid in digging this young lady into a deeper and deeper hole.  And without a doubt he does have his own share of  blame concerning  some of the  problems and difficulty in her young life …and the lifes and end of  lifes concerning his children.

But every choice made by that young woman was her own… including the thought and action of  committing suicide …and the eventual murder of  3 of  her 4 children.

In terms of  Biblical text…1 could look at the story of  Leah.  But the difference here was that Leah was married to Jacob.  And  though Jacob loved Rachel… and was married to both… there had to been something about Leah.  Because she continued to give birth to children for him.  In fact, Leah was the mother of  Judah… and Judah is the line under which both David and Jesus emerge.

But getting off the Biblical angle and just going back to today’s reality… and this story there is only 1 reality when it comes to baring child after child for someone you hope you will be able to hold onto… or who will marry you.  And that is… baring children is not going to do it for you.

Yes, you have created a tie with a person that will be between you and that person for as long you and/or  he and/or the child lives… and in this case children lived.  But that is it.

It does not make them love you.  There is nowhere written that after Leah bared Jacob all those sons…and a daughter… that at any time Jacob came to love Leah.

But just for the sake of  Biblical text… let me note that Leah did get him in the end.  Because Jacob was buried in the tomb with her… while Rachel was buried along side the road on their way  after having died in child-birth.

It is evident that this young mother neither loved herself  or her children as much as she hated the prospect of  loosing this young man to another woman.

And that is the travesty of  it all.  Because at the end of  the day it does not matter what area you come from… or your level education… or your socio-economic advantages… or the lack thereof…  if you do not love yourself you will continued to make mistake after mistake and doom your own life.  And there will be no one to blame but you… yourself … and the ‘I’ whoever you are.

I have no doubt that the young woman in this story became overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with having made 1 bad choice after another… and another.

Overwhelmed with trying to deal with those bad choices and not having any real support mechanism in place that might have aided her… or even assisted her in some way to start making some good choices in order to turn her life and situation around.

Nobody heard her voice.   Nobody saw her tears… nobody realized that she was way over being overwhelmed.

I am sadden by the lost of  her… and her innocent little children.  And by the knowledge that the little son  which survived will now live with this  for the rest of  his life.

If any of us were perfect then I guess we could all point fingers and laugh… joke about this… I guess to some degree.  But life is no joking matter.  It is precious.  Everybody’s life is precious.  And none of  us is exempt from mistake making.  Even at this age I still make mistakes.  But thank God…He is working on my behalf  that I am not overtaken.

I pray that God steps into every bad situation …and situation where people need help…

Now, maybe I can get up from here and finally do what I really have to do.  I have been up and working on blogs since 6 AM this morning.  And it really hadn’t even been my intent.  The day is slipping pass me… I have got to get moving.

Hope you have a beautiful rest of the day.

I have been searching for something that I really need to find.  So, I have really have to put my all and all into it today.

Well, God bless…

  Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2011

Add a comment April 27, 2011

Some of what you may be waiting on…

You have been reading my writings…   Well, some of them.  You may have even watched my book trailer for my book, THE BISHOP’S WIFE.

Now, and I want to show you something that I started yesterday.  It is the radio spot for my book.  I added some visual material just so I could launch it over youtube…and you would have something to watch.

But if you have been wondering about me… I mean my voice.   What I may or may not sound like.

I mean I would be curious about you… if  I read some of your work.  Most people flip over a book just to take a look at what the author looks like.  And I have given you that chance in my actual book trailer, which I have also included in this blog.

But I am so excited about my radio spot.  Tell me what you think.  And it is me speaking… but then I have told you that by profession I am a radio announcer.

And if  you think my radio spot is something… which thanks to a software call ‘Motion’… it really looks greater than I could have imagined.  Then ‘Final Cut’…was the software I used to put it all together.  And the rest is…   Well, you tell me…

And one other thing… I really wished you could see my website.  If you went and checked out my initial site…which really wasn’t much to check out.  Baby, you should see it now!

I just finished reading this story.  There are things that touch me…and things that make me mad.  This story did both.

http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/report-remains-found-of-missing-la-woman-mitrice-richardson/19591275?icid=main|main|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolnews.com%2Fcrime%2Farticle%2Freport-remains-found-of-missing-la-woman-mitrice-richardson%2F19591275

This is the kind of  case you wished Johnny Cochran was still around  for.

How in the world could the LA police arrest a young woman mentally challenged, hold her for a few days then release her without her pocketbook, money, or any way to get home.  And seeing that the young woman was obviously distressed in some way.

How could they have done that to her?

It was a scenario set for doom.

If  they had set it up the LA police could not have done a better job in aiding in the murder of  this young woman.  The moment this young woman was released the chances of  her making it home safely  without something happening…in LA?

It  was slim at the very best.  And the worst part of it…. her loving and caring mother tried her best to keep anything from happening to her daughter.

I feel for this  family.

My goodness…what a terrible story.  I cannot imagine the hell or the evil that Matrice was thrown in or the fate that she had to endure.  What a terrible story.  No amount of money  or law suit can compensate  the injustice which was done here.

I restrain myself  from speaking on the Fantasia story.  To some degree I feel for her though.

There is something that I am so sure about.

“The devil desires to steal your life.”

And if  you let him he will.

There was once a time when I thought about suicide.  But thank God, He only let it be just a fleeing thought.

Matters of  the heart can make people do foolish things.

But the one thing about life is this…

There is always tomorrow.  And usually it is a much better day.

http://www.wbtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=12956553

I just finished talking to friend of mine who reminded me that Fantasia is illiterate.  It has been so long that I had forgotten it.  How she told the story of how she had to learn the songs for American Idol by having to have someone read her the words so that she could remember them.

Can you imagine that?

For her to do that… Fantasia in fact must be brilliant.  And if  she had learned to read and perhaps all those other basic things that we all pretty much take for granted… she might have well been further ahead today since having won American Idol a few years ago.

 There is no doubt that education is essential for success.  And true success cannot be had or maintained without it.

You know to know how to read, write, add and subtract.  Without these basic skills all of  us would find it difficult to survive.

Now with computers and with texting… who doesn’t need to know how to read or type… or write?  And it doesn’t matter whether you can type with 1 finger or with all 10… but without being familiar with the alphabet or without knowing how to read you would be lost… totally out of the loop.

Then she got caught up with a married man.

Then there was something about her a ‘sex tape.’

Could it be a need for some attention?

That is what my son says.

Or is it that Fantasia like some many other ‘so-called’ stars when they fall out of the glimmer of all the light… they reach out to do some desperate  or stupid things just to get catapulted back into the spot light?

Attempting to commit suicide is illegal.  But I hear that Fantasia is due to release a new CD and sometime this week she begins making the rounds to various TV shows.  Perhaps it was…  just something to give her something to talk about while she sat down for those rounds of  TV interviews.  Or perhaps it was all for her to grab the attention of  Oprah and others to add her to their guest lists in the wake of her ordeal… and increase CD sales.

Who knows…

http://www.dvercity.com/drumbeats_fantasia.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/08/12/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main6766379.shtml

Hope you enjoy your weekend.   Summer will soon be coming to an end.  In many places school has already begun again.

Well, God bless…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2010

THE BISHOP’S WIFE  is now on sale.  You can CLICK this LINK to purchase my book.

2 comments August 20, 2010

Alicia Keyes baby-mama drama …and everything that glitters…

Somehow I thought Alicia Keyes was smarter… maybe even a bit wiser.

When I was growing up I never thought to look outside of my home for my role models.  But the kids today like to pattern themselves after everything and everybody they see.

Their whole attire is based upon watching people in music videos.  That whole thing that they do with fingers…like we used to throw up the peace sign.  It’s from watching the guys on the videos.  Grinding and grabbing at their stuff…its from…

Well, you get the point.

I have read a couple stories on this romantic little couple…Keyes and her hubby to be.

But how does that happen?

He’s in divorce court…not even un-married yet  dropping sperm all over the place while hanging a ring around her neck.  Well, I mean on her finger.

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/05/28/2010-05-28_swizz_beatz_and_alicia_keys_engaged_and_expecting_their_first_baby_together.html

He is on the verge of having 3 sets of  kids…children from 3 separate women… 4 in total whenever Alicia gives birth to hers.

Here is a guy where all you have to do is look at his track record and that should give you reason to ease back from him.  What kind of  man is he that has 2 children with the woman who has him in divorce court, and before settling that matter he impregnates another woman and says-

“Lets get married.”

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/01/29/2010-01-29_alicia_keys_engaged_to_rapper_record_producer_swizz_beatz_report.html

And I thought I was disappointed in Vivica Fox when she hooked up with 50¢.  I thought she was too classy for him…just what I thought about Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown at first.  Though I still think that Whitney had more going for her than Bobby Brown, and over a period of time I began to see where neither Whitney or Vivica were quite what I had thought.

Which goes to my point that you should never idolize people who you do not personally know.  If  you don’t really know them then you do not a true perspective as to who they really are.  And that old saying really is quite true-

“All that glitters is not gold.”

Meaning though they may shine…be famous…popular…or whatever  but what you see and believe to be good may…   Well, it may be something totally different from you think you see.  And I am starting to think that about Alicia Keyes.

The guy doesn’t even look like anything to me.  But from the articles Alicia is totally smitten by him.  And she has to be to want to…or to have allowed herself to fall into the predicament she is in.  Pregnant with child by a guy who already has 3 children by 2 different women…and is currently still married.

I hate to say it…but it sounds so ‘ghetto.’  And I say that knowing that many people who live in the ‘ghetto’ do not all act ‘ghetto.’   That is to say that they come out of what is called a ‘ghetto,’ but they do not act or behave in a manner that reflects the negatives of that environment…or the stigma we have come to associate with certain elements within ‘ghettos’ or poorer neighborhoods…such as the character played so realistically by Mo’que in the movie ‘Precious.’

Within ‘the hood’ baby-mama/baby-daddy drama is something well documented…whether you witnessed it on the street or happen to hear someone conversing over a cell phone.  You know it when you hear it.  It  is in the tone of the conversation…the shouting…the emotions…and usually the cussing and swearing.

Amazingly, just like Alicia and this guy, Swizz Beatz.  The name alone gives you a clue that there is nothing there.  But going back to my initial statement…a few months into a fresh new romance everyone looks as in love as Alicia and this guy in this picture.  But then comes the drama.

And I have no doubt that it is going to come…if  history has anything to say about it.

And we all know that history as a way of  repeating itself…and clearly the guy’s history speaks for itself.

The mere fact that he had no respect for Alicia by at least waiting until he finalized his divorce to impregnate her and to set a ring upon her finger…speaks loud and clear.  And it ain’t saying ‘love.’

Oh, you may say-

“Oh, he is just trying to do the right thing.”

The right thing?

The right thing was to respect the mother of  his 2 children whom he is currently attempting to divorce before dropping a ring on somebody else…and making the other woman pregnant.  And Keyes is definitely the other woman in this scenario.

If one went back in time it is possible that the woman who this currently his wife…may have at the time found herself on the other side of the table.  And had been the other woman in that scenario between him and the mother of  his first child.

It is a know fact that if you meet up with someone this kind of way…where you take them from some else…  Well, sooner or later you will find yourself in the same predicament.  While the person moves on to the next one.

This guy strikes me as someone who likes to fraternized with women who have made  it or are their way to making it.  Hint…hint…  All gold digger are not female.

The ex-wife to be is a singer too…somebody named Mashonda.  Since I do not listen to R&B any more…or rapp…or anything much outside of gospel music…I have never heard of  her…or him.  But in watching a music video or 2 of  his… he definitely has to hook up with someone.  Because his talent, if you want to call it that…is not nothing.  You might consider him to be another…uhm… Bobby Brown.

So, he was in dire need to go to the next level.  And I guess you can say he did just that when he somehow managed to rope Alicia into his web of  romance.

At first glance Alicia struck me as clean cut…intelligent…gifted…and a young woman of  high standards and morals.  But she seems to have believed the hype and sunk into the life of  supposed stardom… rapp culture…  and whatever else.  She seems to have lost some of  that style… innocence…  and intuitiveness I thought she had.

So, how come she didn’t see this guy coming?

How could she have fallen so deeply under his spell?

Her style changed… her talk changed …she changed.  She started showing more…and leaving less to your imagination.

Maybe it was a desire to become more like…say a Beyoncé.  And for a while I had thought that it was going to Alicia and whatever Beyoncé’s husband is named.

Then I had thought it was going to be Alicia and Common.  But Serena Williams tied that up.

But personally she looks smart enough to be a lawyer’s wife… or some doctor’s wife.  But somebody with a brain seemed to be what I would have thought Alicia would have wanted.  Somebody like a Barack and not a Swizz Beatz.

But maybe like Vivica…Alicia wanted a thug.  Just somebody able to throw her down and sex her all night long.  But I would have thought that she would’ve wanted far more than that.

Maybe someone she could converse with.  Somebody who could do more than flash and throw his hands up in the air… or spin a couple of  turntables.  Somebody who knew something about responsibility.  Somebody who could really love and respect her.  Somebody who felt so deeply about her that he would not dare pull her into a mess.

But then what about Alicia?

What happened to her common sense?

Why would she want somebody who would pull her down?

Didn’t she see what happened between Janet and her ex-husband?

How about how far Whitney fell messing around with Bobby?

Is she  oblivious to what has been going on around her concerning messing with married men…and baby-daddies?

Doesn’t she realize that depending upon what state they live in that his children could pull a piece of  her earnings too?

Yes, that is right.  Once his way of life increases under the influence of  Alicia’s money… she could be forced by the court to aid him in supporting his other children due to her income.

So, then what would possess Alicia Keyes to want to tie herself down to a man who already has 2 set of children?

I know that it is hard to find men today who do not have any children… but there are some.  Some fine decent men waiting on a fine decent woman.   Who work and are more than capable of support his queen to be.

What happened to choosing one of them?

I see Alicia carries expensive bags…  which cost thousands of  dollar, like Chanel, Veneta, Louis Vuitton etc…etc… then why go bottom shelf  when it comes to choosing a mate?

And she wouldn’t take a bag that somebody else owned.  So, why do that when it comes to a man?

Why would Alicia Keyes want to let herself  in for all the baby-mama drama that is sure to come out of  her relationship with this guy, Swizz Beatz?

I don’t really know Alicia’s background but I have heard an interview or 2 where she has talked about her schooling and music classes.  And it never struck me that she came from the ‘ghetto.’

But one thing is for sure… she is beginning to act like it.

And let me just state this…that ‘ghetto’ is more a state of mind than being.  Because I know people who live in a variety of places including what would be called the ‘ghetto.’   But they do not possess a ‘ghetto’ state of  mind.

No respectable woman would set herself up for failure…except perhaps the woman Ruby Giuliani married after he finally divorced his wife.  What a mess that was… the guy had no respect.

How do you bring your mistress into Gracie Mansion, the Mayor’s mansion in New York City, where your wife and young son live to do your thing with her?

What kind of  woman was she?

I guess Giuliani was just too cheap to get a hotel.  But he did not impregnate her… least ways not that we know.  And just prior to his attempted run for the White House, he married her.

As to whether they are happy or not… I can’t answer that.  But I do not believe any woman can can sleep peacefully at night knowing that have hooked up with someone with a wandering eye.  If  it wandered 1 time…it can and usually wanders 2 or 3 times.  And in Alicia’s case maybe 4… if someone steps up to the plate with more money and appeal.

Because that is clearly the kind of guy this guy strikes me as.  Otherwise, Alicia wouldn’t be pregnant right now.  And he probably worked hard at that… he needed to seal that deal.

And he did.

I do not wish Alicia ill… but I just do not see it working out.  History always repeats itself, and someone’s nature is their nature. But God…only if God steps in and changes them.   And this guy has z history that is speaking loud and very clearly.

But going on to my initial point regarding role models.  Like Serena and Venus… I had thought Alicia as a good and decent role model.  But this thing about being out-of-wedlock, pregnant and messing with a married man has definitely put a dimmer on that.

The problem is …is that because Alicia is in the public eye she does bear a certain level of  responsibility.  I have no doubt that she realizes that there are many young girls and young ladies who follow her closely.  And for them she sets a kind of  standard of excellence and determination.

Her lifestyle and choices like that of  many celebrities gets digested, and incorporated into the being of  those who follow them.  Becoming pregnant by a married man…

Well, it is something most people do not brag about.  It shows a level of  insecurity…  carelessness… and a balant disregard for the other woman on the other side.

This scenario is weighted in history.  Its outcomes can be  read in newspapers time and time again, due to all kinds of crazy acts of  revenge… hatred… threats… kidnappings and murder plots.  It is not a pretty situation …and under it no one can truly find happiness.

Because what started wrong in the first place …can’t help but end up wrong too.

Then that is not to say that errors or lapses in judgment can’t happen.  But never compound a mistake.

Okay, Alicia may be pregnant…but should she really marry the guy?

No.  She made a mistake.  But she does not need to make another mistake… by marrying the wrong person.

Sure she is pregnant with his child.  But if he was worth anything that would not be the case.

Clearly, Swizz Beatz lacks certain morals.  I know that sounds like a foreign word to some.  But morals stand for something.  And anyone without them…

Well, would you really want to trust them with your heart?

Apparently, 2 others did.  And you can see what was the outcome.

Why should the 3rd…Alicia’s relationship with him be any different?

And don’t say-

“Oh, he might really love her.”

Might is the operative word.  He might …and then again he might not.  She might just be another trophy to him.  Might  be just another target for his ego …and something for him to laugh about while chatting with his boys.

As is often in this kind of  case… the man walks out on the other woman eventually…leaving her for the next one.  It is an endless cycle for those who have no moral consciousness going from 1 woman or  young girl to the other.

I pray that women wake up.

In the Biblical story in the Book of  Genesis… Leah eventually did…wake up…but it was not until after she had bore Jacob 5 sons.  She kept hoping child after child that Jacob would love her.

Today, we this scenario still plays itself out over and over again.  In the story of Leah and Jacob …you can assume that Leah did not love herself very much.  The text said that she had a tender eye… whereas  Rachel was beautiful.  And she could clearly see how much Jacob loved her.

It had to be painful.

Hence, any woman…or girl who loves herself  is not going  to just allow someone to use them with the hope of  winning them over.  Or baring a child for them with the hope that this will tie a  person to them.

I had a Jamaican cousin who passed last year.  Since I really didn’t know her I was informed by 1 of her sisters-

“I don’t know what happened to Marva.  She was never ever like that before she met him.”

Before my cousin Marva ‘met him,’  my other cousin shared with me…she was happy and carefree.  She loved life… and was always playing practical jokes.  But then she ‘met him.’  She loss the essence of who she was.

He did not love her… but he kept stringing her along.  Because he knew he had her.  She gave him a child… but yet she could not keep him.  There were other women in his life …but she refused to let go.  Then he married another woman… and my cousin’s life caved in on her.

Suddenly, nothing mattered.  Not even her own child.  Her thoughts were consumed with him.  Her desires were all for him.  Then he shun her… cursed her …and stopped seeing her as regular.

And she began attempting suicide.

She succeeded last year when she finally turned a bottle of  bleach up to her mouth.  This time there was no doctor that could help her.

They could not pump her stomach.  It burnt up her  insides.   And they could do nothing to help her but watch her suffer…for days… my aunt (her mother), her husband (her father) and her other sisters.

But at the funeral they realized that she was now at peace.  But what a sad way to go.  And what a horrible way of  trying to find peace.

What could possess someone to love someone so much…more than than they do themself… or her child… to attempt on several occasions… and then to final succeed in killing themselves?

Could anyone on this planet be worth all that?

No.  Not at all.

His life went on.  But her’s ended…and ended horribly.

It had been compounded by 1 error after another.

There are some people not worth being bothered with.  And particularly if they can somehow manage to cloud up how you feel about you.

I was once so in love.  I do know how it feels.

I loved this person so much.  She had me.  And when it was other… I spun into my own web of  depression… remorse …loss …and pity.  It came across my mind…that thought of  suicide. 

Everywhere I turned I saw couples.  Everywhere I looked I saw people walking hand in hand.  Spring was in the air… and so was love.  And I had no one…I was alone.

The one I cared for had cast me off.  And I was floating …drifting in my mind.  Reality was lapsing from me.  I saw that which I wish I had.  And it was all around me.  Happiness …chatter… the glee of  being with someone you loved.

But there I was alone.

And yes… it came to me.  To kill myself … and to bring it all to an end.

But instead it was overcome by another thought.

I began thinking that maybe ‘the life’ wasn’t for me.

I began thinking that being in ‘the life’…meaning ‘in a gay lifestyle’ was not some place where I could be happy.  And maybe I needed to try the other way?

I tried it.

But I didn’t like it.

But I emerged from it pregnant.

I thought of  abortion.

So, I called the hotline.  But when they started talking about ‘partial anesthesia’ or ‘full anesthesia’… I knew that either way it was going to hurt.

So, I just decided to go through with the pregnancy.  Truly, that was my thought process.  And that is why I now have a son… who I must say is a far better person than his mother.

And my goodness… what would this world be like if my son were not upon it?

I made the right choice.  And it is God’s desire that we have freedom of choice… so we can exercise our right to make ‘the right choice.’

And I am glad that I made another choice.

It took me years to get here.  But I made the choice to walk in liberty …and to come out of darkness.  And I am so happy that I did.

Oh, well…   I have got to end now.  Because I am really supposed to have watched a movie… and now I’ll be up and working on a legal paper.

So, I really must get moving.  Enjoy your day tomorrow.

In closing let me say 1 more thing… Alicia at 29 years of  age should be wiser.  I say all of this because I have no doubt that a lot people will read this blog.  And I would just be wrong if  I did not speak truth…with the hope that someone might hear.  Or that it might help someone…including Alicia.

God bless.

THE BISHOP’S WIFE  is now on sale…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…”  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2010

You have got to watch the BELOW  video.

1 comment June 1, 2010

Nothing in particular… Obama and Michelle’s weekend retreat… and on wisdom… sex psychopaths…

Yesterday I got soaking wet.  Today I went out thinking it would be warmer…but I quickly found out I was wrong.

When I first stepped outside yesterday the sun was shinning, and all was well.  But while standing at the bus stop the skies suddenly turned dark…and shortly thereafter came 1 little sprinkle followed by another.  And before long  it was all over I was soaked, and the bus was nowhere in sight.

Today, while riding on the bus…which is why this month I decided to buy me a bus pass since my son started complaining about me using his car.  It is just as well…I really don’t mind…though the buses are a bit small and can be not as clean as I would always like.  But I got tired to listening to my son sounding as though I’ve been taking advantage of him.  So, I bought me a bus pass…now nobody can complain.

But while riding the bus today I overheard a woman say-

“They got 2 feet of snow today.”

I do not know who they were…or where they was.  But I do know that that sounds bad for us.

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/blankets-246326-northeast-snow.html?pic=1

Here it is almost May…and it is still snowing.

Yes, it sounds very bad for us.  Because I know that the snow is on its way here too.  There is no getting around it.  Plus, it is cold.  And cold enough now to go back to wearing our winter coats.

It is hard to believe that just a few days ago it was in the 90’s.  But that is gone now…and been gone now for more than a week.

But least ways when I went away for the weekend this time…I didn’t come back to any frozen water pipes, and water all over the place.  And I didn’t have to worry about the cat being left in a cold house due to our furnace still being out.  But if  all things work out this summer my winter will be very different come October, November, December etc…etc…of this year.   Yes…very very different.

So, we were on the road again this pass weekend, and needless to say we had to travel through some rain.  But it was beautiful nonetheless.  And one of the best parts is…is that while on the road we saw no accidents.

That is not to say that we did not meet up with some traffic.  But there were no accidents.  And I just thank the Lord for that.

I now have grown to not only pray that we travel safely but also everybody on the road with us does too.  And though I never thought of  it before…it does indeed make a lot of sense to do so.

Just think about that.

When I started this blog I thought that I had a lot to say.  But right now I can’t think anything outside of the weather…and I’ve already mentioned that.

What else did I want to talk about?

I just do not know.

I was awaken from my sleep early yesterday morning.  It was one of the church ladies calling me.  She had called me saying-

“We lost Deek last night at about 11:30.”

It made me think of the last time I had been with them.   I was in New York City and it was the night before the New York City Marathon.

I had gotten into the city late and had found a great parking spot not too far from their apartment building.  My plan was to get up early…about 4 or 5 AM and move my car as I knew that the Marathon went right pass their building.  But when I went out to move my car early that morning…it was gone.  And all I could think about was the New York City Towing Hell that I was bound to be in due to getting towed.

First of all, the car was a rental and that was a problem right there.  Since, when they tow in New York they want you to submit papers on the car…all of which were inside the car.  Since we didn’t own the car…it meant that they were going to send me to the rental place to have them give me documentation on the car and that I was going to have to be the valid driver.  Of which I was not…since my son had rented the car for me.   And he, of course, was hundreds of miles away back home.

So, this meant trouble.  I could hear my son talking to me as I stared at the spot where the rental car had been parked.  And I dredded calling him.

Because it meant that he was going to have to get up, get dress and now drive in to New York City…something that I knew he was not going to want to do.  And certainly was something that he wasn’t going to be happy of doing it either.

So, I put in the call.  He didn’t answer.  And I took a deep breath of  relief…it was after all now just about all of  4:30 in morning.

The street was clear…no cars anywhere.  But the roadway was filled with squad cars riding up the avenues and crossroads making sure everything had been towed.  Turing I went back into the building feeling that I was in for it now…and wondering how much all of  this was going to cost me?

By the time I got back upstairs and explained the situation to Deek and his wife…he ask me-

“Did you go and look on the other streets?”

That was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.

Why would I go walking around to look for my car when it was obvious that it had been towed?

And all I could think about was how mad my son was going to be hearing this.

So, I finally decided to go back downstairs to try and find out where  they had towed it to.  And get directions to get there.

By this time Deek had gone out on the balcony trying to still tell me that  I should walk around looking for my car.  I thought he was loosing it.

Why would they pick up my car to tow it just to set it back down somewhere else outside of a car bound?

Was what  I kept thinking in my mind.  When they tow your car in New York City…you are in big trouble.  And you better have cash…if you want any hope of getting your car back.

Downstairs I walked out to the street and flagged down one of the police squad cars to asked them about my car being towed.  And they directed me to call the precinct.  And when I did it was just like Deek had said.

We laugh about it now.  I have to smile every time I think of  it.  It makes me think of  wisdom  every time…this story…and those of us who lack it.  We don’t even have good enough sense to know wisdom when we hear it.  We pass it up thinking that it is foolishness.  That is what I thought Deek was telling me…foolishness when he kept saying that I needed to walk around looking for my car.   

He had wisdom over a situation which I thought I knew everything…after having been towed more that a few times in New York.  Sometimes we can be so foolish because we think that older people don’t know nothing.  That they are off the mark…far removed from things…and even at times lack real understanding of things…or knowledge of things.  But nothing can be further from the truth.

Oftentimes given a chance their wisdom far exceeds any mere thoughts we could have on the matter.  As such was this case.

To me it sounded ludacris that my rental car was picked up to clear the roadway for the Marathon runners only to have the City of  New York without any profit to themselves re-assign me another parking space.  But that is just what they did…and Deek knew it.  While during the whole time  I refused to pay him any attention.  And you know…he never held that against me.

Even that shows great wisdom.  How many people would have been mad…or become upset because you discounted their suggestions or ideas?

But Deek didn’t.

So many older people get kicked to the curb and totally disregarded simply because they are older.  People refuse to believe that they have anything legitimate to offer…all because they are aged.  But age breeds wisdom.  It brings about a plethora of  experiences and knowledge.   A richness that we just should not pass up…or so freely let get away from us because we lack the wisdom to see just how valuable they are to us.

While on the road we caught the news over the radio that the President and First Lady, Obama and Michelle were taking a little weekend-get-away together.  I grinned and my sister turned to me smiling saying-

“I love them.”

And I just loved hearing that they stopped and got some ribs.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/travel/bal-trav-obama-weekend-0423,0,6829607.photogallery

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20003269-503544.html

I just happened not long ago to come across this story listed below.

http://www.aolnews.com/story/ny-wants-man-who-spread-hiv-locked-up/1035429?cid=10

And if  you took the time to read it then you realize that the story is about some black man who purposely passed the HIV/AIDS virus to 13 women.  And that there seems to be a debate about what should be done with him.

What are they debating?

Spreading AIDS knowingly is like taking a loaded gun, aiming it at someone’s head and pulling the trigger killing them.  So, what is there to think about? 

The guy should clearly be thrown into prison and never released ever again.

Why should he be allowed to walk around…enjoying himself  while he knows that he committing someone else to a death sentence?

AIDS kills…and not everybody has the resources of a  Magic Johnson to sustain them and their medical needs.  The medication for AIDS treatment is not only very costly but they have to take tons of different types of medicine.  I will never forget all the pills my cousin Vincent had to take daily.   And I have seen what that type of  death looks like…and it is not pretty.

I have seen youth turn into the very old…go from being very  fit and carefree to bent over and broken, with all types of medical problems and conditions that most of us never have to think about because our system works fighting off everything and anything that might try to invade our bodies.   But their system does not…it can’t.

I saw a 34 year old man turn into an old man before very my eyes.  He could barely operate his hands, walk or hear well.  Vincent became old…a senior man at 34 years of age.  Had I not seen it I would have not known anything about AIDS…but I saw how it ravaged his body and stole his youth and everything else from hm.

No one should be allowed to purposely inflict that disease upon anyone.  Such a person is quilty of  murder.  And clearly after reading what his mother had to say…I can see why he is the person he came to be.

When I was teaching…I recall one day that 1 of my student’s mother came to school to pay me a visit.  Upon meeting my student’s mother I realized why I had the problems I had with her daughter.  Or perhaps I should say…why she was having the problems that she was having with me.  Because in my class I do not have problems with students…but there had been some students who may of  have had a problem or 2 with me.

This girl’s mother came to my class and she…her mother…had to have been an utter embarrassment to her daughter.  The woman was very un-rulely and out of  order….but at the end some of  my students while handing in their work gave me their take on it that situation.  And you know what they said?

They said-

“I had my money on you.”

Smart kids.

I think that that girl’s mother thought that I was going to back down or become intimidated.  But that was far from the case…though she did everything she could to get me to be so.   Needless to say that mother never visited me again…and I don’t think I ever had any more problems out of her daughter.

But when her mother came to my class I could see why the girl was like she was.  She was very much like her mother.  But in my class and classes I lived by one motto-

“It was going to be either them or me.”

And I made up my mind early that it was always going to be me. I was going to be the one in charge and who ruled my classes…and not my students or any one student over me.  No…and that went doublely for mothers.

Some mothers are the reason why their children are the way that they are.   Many men children are not men because…

Well, because of their mothers.

The weight and impact of  ‘mother’ upon the lives of  her children or child is great.  It can either enable them or aid in making them become strong, fully thinking and functioning adults with high hopes of success in their lives.

http://hubpages.com/hub/DONT-BE-AN-ENABLER

Clearly, anyone wishing to get back at women or others because they have contracted AIDS is a person not willing to take their own personal responsibility in the matter.  There are so many people who go around blaming others for everything wrong in their life.

It would seem to me…not that I know a whole lot on this subject…but knowing that so much is out there besides AIDS, that it just makes sense to use good common sense and judgment.  Personally, I am an advocate of  abstining…but if you love sex that much that you can’t protect yourself then why blame anyone else?

I knew that there was something that I wanted to write about.  And now I have found it.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/04/100428-noahs-ark-found-in-turkey-science-religion-culture/

Can you imagine that…the possibility of  possibly really finding Noah’s Ark?

It might just be some large ship that became ship wrecked many years ago.  I doubt that Noah’s Ark will ever be found.  It is not that I doubt the story…but what purpose would it serve God for Noah’s Ark to be found?

None.  So, therefore, God would not leave it around to be uncovered several thousands of  years later.

But it does make for an interesting story  though doesn’t it?

And before I close I have to mention this.  Perhaps my son has been so mad at me over his car because I never stop for gas.  And it was until we hit the road that I realized that the gas prices had gone up so much.  It was costing $4 plus in New York.  Mannnnnn……

While on our little road trip this weekend I also got my first chance to publicly talk about my book, THE BISHOP’S WIFE.  And I was pleasantly surprised at how well it went.

And you know what?

I didn’t even think about getting nervous.   There was a time I would never have done it…and certainly not as freely and as well as I happened to present my book to these people this weekend.

I guess I am growing.

Well, enjoy your day…and night.

And God bless….

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2010

THE BISHOP’S WIFE is now on sale…

3 comments April 29, 2010

Getting kicked to the curb… Obama’s airplane…

During the middle of this week, I was out with my son and one of his little friends.  As I got into my son’s truck I noticed that she wasn’t her usually jovelle self.  I never got a clue until my son said to her over the course of our dinner-

“Oh, don’t start crying.”

To which she responded-

“I can’t help it.”

Shortly thereafter, her cell phoned rang and she answered it.  That is when I overheard what the problem was.

She began saying-

“Oooh, boobie.  If you take yourself from me…I want be able to hold you.  And do for you like I want to…You know how I like to hold you…and yeah cook for you.  If you remove yourself I can’t hold you and do that any more.”

I was on the verge of bursting out in laughter because  she sounded ridiculous.  

In essence, she was begging him to not drop her.

Now, I am not a mean spirited person…but you would’ve had to heard that conversation. 

I do not think I could have ever wanted somebody…any humanily body…that bad in my life.  Well, maybe I have…

I have been in my share of relationships…but I have never in my life brought myself to begging any one of them to staying with me.

Yes, as hard as it may seem.  I have been kicked to the curb more than a few times.  And yes, it did hurt.  But I never ever begged.

I won’t say that there may have been a time or 2 that I might have liked to have begged.  But I didn’t do it.

I have never dropped anybody in my life.  But I have been dropped.  I do know the pain of being dropped and yet trying to hold on.   Believe me…I know it well.

But I never begged.

In my wisdom now…I will tell you this. 

Anybody you have to beg to keep is not worth trying to hold on to.  And no matter how much you beg…eventually they are going to leave you anyway.  So, let them go from the on-set of whatever the situation is and they start telling you it is over.  And get on with the mourning process. 

Because in the end…you are going to end up mourning it anyways. 

So, better to start now rather than later…because you would be just putting it off.  And it will certainly be just as painful…if not more.

When somebody wants to leave you…they have their reasons.  And unless there is some type of benefit to staying with you…then they’re gone.  They may come back for a little while…but sooner or later they will be gone for good. 

So, release them and let them go now.   Soon enough you will be mourning over the next one.

As I stated in another one of these blogs…I had never been in type of relationship until I was 25 years old.  And I have also told you that… I have never dated.  Well… any boys… or men.   As sometime after becoming 25, I did what they called…‘came out as a lesbian.’  

I would say that I never really ‘came-out’ per-se.  As my profession wouldn’t let me…that is to say…because I was popular as a radio announcer I never presented myself as being openly gay.   Then, of course, there were my parents…and I would have never done anything to embarrassed them.  And I did not mind keeping my life to myself…and among my close friends.  It was, after all, my life.

I never felt that I had to go around telling  everyone what it was that I did in the bedroom…nor I was interested in what other people did in their’s…just as long as it did not involve children.

At any rate, most of my relationships during that period of my life only lasted for about 6 months or under.  Once I becamed involved with someone it always seemed to me as though it could not get past 6 months.   Finally, one did…because she was determined to be the one to do it.   She had told me that on several occasions…that’s how I know.  It lasted for all of 9 years…but even then she could only take but so much of me.  And finally, she too…kicked me to the curb. 

I must say that I did not mind when  it happening…but what hurt was how it happened.  The relationship had began to turn several years prior…and we had evolved into more or less just being friends.  And I could live with that…that is why I didn’t mind that she left…exited my life…and fnally kicked me to the curb.

She was exceedingly beautiful, and perhaps one of the smartest persons I had ever met.  She was well read and well versed on every subject…truly.  And there was one other thing about her. 

She saw in me something that I never saw.  And she was always telling me that she saw where I was going to be…and that she was not going to let me embarrassed her once I got there.

So, she was always correcting me…polishing up my speech…reading over my text…pointing out business fawls…and huge personality gafts in me.   I must say that without her…I would not be half of what I am today businesswise or otherwise.  God took that situation and used it for His good.

But eventually…yes, even she kicked me to curb.

But I never begged. 

That relationship had become a bit toxic for me.  But as I had never really been in any other long term relationship… and because of my own nature… though I wanted out… I couldn’t say it.   So, I’m happy that she ended that relationship for me.  

There are just some things perhaps… that I will never be good at.  And I think that this is one of them…kicking somebody to the curb.

I can take it…but I don’t think that I could ever dish it out.   But nobody better test me on it…because I am not all that forgiving.

Some people, however, are masters at it.  But not me.

But thank goodness when it is over…and you have finally gotten over it.  As a rule my mourning process…was always for a 2 year period.   And many times at the end, I  found myself wondering what it was that I had seen in that person in the first place.  Except for, of course, the person with whom I was with for 9 years. 

Yes, I got over it.   Which is usually done by finding someone else. 

Isn’t that always the way?

It can really speed up that process.

You lament somebody…until you find somebody new.

I have found…that through those years…having always been the one who was kicked to the curb.  I have found…that usually when I got over it…I was over it.  I do not look back…but there had been some laments.  But It was not on my part.

Time does it, I think.  People often have a tendency to look back and wish they hadn’t done something.

So, move on. 

Forget about Boobie. 

Can anyone you’ve given such a horrid nickname to really be that good?

I think not.   And certainly not enough worth begging for.

As I listened to that girl…and if you want me to say…young lady…I could not help but be thankful to God…I no longer go through anything like that any more.

God is good. 

Well, I just love Obama.

And yes, he was right to fire whomever that was who thought it was a good idea to fly Air Force One into the protected air space over the Statue of Liberty.

Of course, it was going to bring back memories of 9/11.

And yes…people would believe that New York City was again under attack.

How could they not?

That was the exact same air space…which every New Yorker knows is protected air space…that those airplanes flew over that hit the World Trade Center causing the earth to shake…the buildings to fall…people to jump for their lives…dark clouds of heavy smoke, suet and human ashes…amid streets of rumble …bodies… much havoc… and panic.

That day will never be erased from the minds and hearts of every New Yoker.  It was one of the most horrible days that I can remember.

It was a day of much confusion and panic… because no one knew exactly what was going on.   Many believing that the world was coming to an end…or that someone had declared war upon us…the darkness that fell upon New York that day left an undelible mark across the world…and particularly among those in New York City…and the tri-state area that will never be removed throughout the history of this country.

And all for a photo op?

That person had to be insane.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090427/us_nm/us_newyork_plane

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Statue-of-Liberty-water-taxi-Liberty-Island/photo//090427/ids_photos_ts/r1340509400.jpg//s:/nm/20090427/us_nm/us_newyork_plane#photoViewer=/090509/480/85fcbc62c2c54fee9134de675e68acbe

I am happy that  Obama is letting those who work for him…know that he is no joke.  And that he is going to demand from them that they operate as professional and thinking…rational people.  And never dare to do anything that might embarrass him. 

Got up late today…after 12 noon and do not know what time I finally went to bed…though I laid down thinking I was only going to stretch out for a few minutes. Yes, I am still trying to put the finishing touches on my book, THE BISHOP’S WIFE,   and the promo for youtube. 

Well,  it is getting closer…and closer to that time.  And I can’t wait.   

And as a final note…please do not let me be anywhere and overhear any conversations of yours.  I do not easedrop…and I do not like getting all up into people’s business.  I really do not want to be a party to it…but if you are going to sit up around me and put your business all out in the street.  I just might formulate an opinion on it.

Well, enjoy your weekend.

And you know something else…after looking at that first picture of the Statue of Liberty…that is not a woman.

Which reminds me of another time my son took me out this past week…with yet another friend of his.  For most of time we sat at that table eating…we were debating whether or not our waitress was a man or woman.  I had never noticed anything…and had always felt she was a woman. 

But it was my son’s friend who began that whole controversy.  And at the end finally I had to concede after taking a more indepth study of the person…arms in particular…that yes it was a man.  But she was nice anyway…not matter what.  And she…well, he did his job well.

Which reminds me of yesterday, while waiting around in the salon…I happened to overhear a conversation between a young girl and I guess…maybe her aunt or somebody related to her.  

The girl was probably no more than 10 or 12.  She was disclosing to the older person how someone in her class was talking about her…and calling her ‘gay.’

It made me think of that 11 year old boy who had hung himself and it was reported that he had done so because some kids or one of the other boys at his school was doing the exact same thing…calling him ‘gay.’

I think that it is sad…that such burdens are placed upon children today. 

Back when I was going to school…kids taunted you by calling you ‘fat’…or ‘scary cat’…or ‘chicken.’  

It is a shame that all these sexual labels and stigmatisisms are placed upon them…these children…teens…pre-teens etc… at such early ages…when it is hard enough just trying to go to school and get through your school lessons. 

God bless…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on…” http://www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2009

THE BISHOP’S WIFE  is now on sale…CLICK this LINK to purchase my book.  You do not need a paypal account to purchase, and you can purchase using a debit card.  Thank you. 

Add a comment May 9, 2009

Octuplet mother?

I actually do not see what the fuss is about concerning that woman who when her babies are born will have 14 children.

Personally, I think too much attention has been already paid to her…which is why I have been trying to avoid the story.

But if you want to know my opinion…and perhaps you really don’t.  But here it is anyhow.

She is just an obsessed little child who should never have been a mother in the first place.  And yes…I do think that their are some women who are just not cut out to be mothers…or for motherhood in any form…shape…or matter.  And evidently…to me this girl…or young woman…you take your pick…is one of them.

She claims that the reason that she wants these children is because her mother never gave her the love that she felt she should have had.  Right there…somebody should have said, “Hold it.  NUT CASE.”

What child never thought that their parent should have gave them ‘the kind’ of love they should have had?

I remember many times wishing I was dead…and hating my parents because I felt that they were mean to me.

It wasn’t until we became adults…got much older that we came to realize and appreciate the love…the attention…and everything else that goes along with parenting…including chastising us.   It is the latter years that we later came to appreciate our parent’s efforts.  Otherwise, who knows what kind of monsters we would all be today…had it not been for them?

But not everybody gets to that point.  Some children…and particularly…those children who were spoiled…they never get to that point.  They for some reason they always wine up feeling just the opposite.  They feel that their parents never did enough for them.

It is for this reason…that parents have to be very careful as to just how much they indulge their children…by giving them too much.  This I have seen within my own family.

Because when many parents didn’t have some things while growing up themselves…they always usually want to ensure that their children do have it.  And they give it to them…whatever they feel that they didn’t have but would have loved to have had or wasn’t allowed…they generously and freely indulge their children with.    This was the way my parents thought…and they gave to us.

Out of 8…I am the only one who is different.  I would try to tell them no…on some occasions.

I recall when my mother decided that she was going to buy me a car.  I had seen this cute little convertible…used car that I wanted…and tried to get her to buy it for me.  But instead she bought me a brand new shiny red VW.   The Bug was okay…but I really wanted that convertible.

Just how many kids do you know who would have loved and been happy with any car if their parents had gotten it for them?

When kids have too much they just do not appreciate it.  And they…for the most part…will never appreciate it…or for anything.  Because that is what spoiling a child can do.  It corrupts them and their perception of things.   They end up with a feeling of what they ‘deserved.’

I have seen that girl talking to her mother…and though she was not disrespectful…I could tell that she had probably been spoiled.

Well, one proof of this was the fact that she was already the mother of 6 children…and still living in her parent’s home.

A grown woman…with 6 kids…and still living in her mother’s house?

Can you imagine parents helping their daughter to their own demise?

Her parent’s house is currently in foreclosure due to the fact that they owe money on their mortgage…as they struggled to aid their daughter with her other 6 children.

Had that young woman had any responsibility from the unset…when she first started having babies…there may not be any stories on her now about giving birth to 8 more.

Eight at one time…what woman could handle that…even the best of mothers.

I think by this time she may have already done it.  Had the babies…

Wow…imagine 8 little bodies occupying a space made to accommodate 1.  They look as though they have been through a battle…each one fighting for his or her space in that womb.

The young woman…she has been on television show after television show…which shows she  seeks attention.  Clearly, she does have a problem.  And when the camera lights dim…and that story fades into the not so distant past…what shall become of her children?

What happens to them when they will fail to give her the spotlight of attention any longer…when the story fades from the news headlines…and then they are no long little infants laying in a bed?

What then?

Well, currently…I read that she is considering a role in some XXX movie.  Need I say more?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090311/ap_on_re_us/octuplets

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11875185?nclick_check=1

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11839455

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20264408,00.html

That doctor who is fertilizing these women…with all these multiple kids…he must be a quack.  And someone really should be seriously investigating him.

I do realize that for the most part…every parent loves their child and/or children…and desires to give them the world…provide for them…and all of that.  But there can be a pitfall to giving them too much.  Many rich people are guilty of this.  Oftentimes, they feel guilty for having worked too hard and not having been around.

So, what do they do?

They load their children with lavish gifts.  Rather than giving them…their children what they really need…a little love…attention…and of what  little time they may have.  Thus, they feel that they can compensate their child and/or children for the lost of their attention with things…gifts…money…etc..

It really is important to make some quality time for your children…no matter how fleeting it is or small it is.  It is better than none.  And all the gifts in the world just cannot compensate for it…or the lack thereof.

This is why I have such respect…along with other reasons for Ted Kennedy.  He was thrown into some very big shoes…at a very early age in his life with the killing of his brothers…and having to take on the responsibility of the patriarch of his family.  But the one thing you can see about him…is how they all response to him…Uncle Teddy.

They adore him…his children…nieces… nephews…etc…   They watch over him…they went running when he fell ill.   These are the things which speak for the dedication and effort one puts into their family.

I wonder how successful you could be as a statesman…if you were first not able to be successful at home?

God bless…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on “ www.bsmith101.wordpress.com ©2009

Add a comment March 11, 2009

Taboo Subject 2…self-respect…maturing… Michelle Obama layout…

Got up very early again this morning…but I was not nearly as productive as I had been on Saturday.  In fact, I got up going to the bathroom and then stopped to read a chapter in my Bible…and then returned to bed.

I spent the past couple of nights sweating out my cold…of course, I can  certainly see a vast difference.  Been drinking plenty of fluids too…and also been making sure I take my iron tablets.  Got to thicken up my blood…which is why I am also enjoying my Cream of Wheat.  I am working on my 2nd box of it now…and still enjoying every minute of it.  And as I do…it makes me think of how my father used to make it for us as children. 

Mondays was our father’s day to care for us.  As he was a barber…Sundays and Mondays were his 2 days off.    I do not know how they worked out their schedules…but my mother and father did have it worked out as we were never left in the care of other people.

Daddy worked days and mommy worked nights.  She worked at a state institution as a nurse supervisor…as I had previously stated in another one of my blogs…my mother had been the first black nurse in the little southern town where I was born.

Everything my parents did centered around us…their children.  When they bought their first house…it was less than a block away from the little grade school that most of us went to…there was a bakery at the corner…a drug store…a small corner grocery store and deli…a bus stop…and we were only three houses in from the corner of a main roadway.  Not to mention as I see by the city records today…they had bought the largest parcel of land of any 2 family house within our block.  They were wise.  And on top of all of that…there is a college right across the street.

So, when I eat Cream of Wheat it takes me back to those days…when daddy used to make it for us on cold mornings just as were going off to school.  Some mornings he would fry us this thing called festival by some Jamaicans…or fried dumplings.  He could really make those things…no matter what you call them.  And we loved them…we filled them up hot out of the pan with plenty of butter and jelly…or some times with lots of syrup and butter…but they were good…always.   But daddy was a great cook…and for that matter…so was our mother.

I am watching the snow fall down…and it is steady.  It had been rain.  It had rained straight through the night…and hard.   Had all that rain been snow we would have been buried up under it right now.  And that rain had been steady right up to the time it just turned to snow not so long ago.  Now it is just a steady flow of un-yielding snow.  I will soon have to go out and start shoveling…cold or no cold.  But I am not going to complain…it is still beautiful.

I remember my friend in New York…the elderly woman, the church mother, who used to go to our church who passed this past August.  You know I had never realized until some time later that she had passed on my mother’s birth date.  And last night as I was thinking of her…my friend…it also dawned on me that when I had gone to the hospital to visit her…that the floor I had to switch from elevator to elevator on…had the same name as our street…the street that my parent’s house in on. 

It is not a common name…and you do not see it everywhere.  I thought that to be divine providence…you know…God’s working in the matter.  I was very blessed to have had her…to have met her…and that she counted me as a friend.  Her guidance to me shall forever be treasured.

In reading the article on religion…it is odd to me that a country founded on the freedom to practice religious beliefs would today be shifting away from having religion at all.  But these days were bound to come.

When you reflect back on the years following 1962 when the push began to remove prayer from public schools…then anything bearing the word “God”…the challenge to remove the 10 Commandments from court houses and so forth…then this really should be of  no surprise.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090309/ap_on_re/rel_religious_america

http://atheism.about.com/od/churchstatemyths/a/ohairprayer.htm

I don’t know…perhaps it is just me.  But where were all those anti-gay marriage people…and anti-abortion people when all of this was going on?

Droves of anti-gay marriage people come out picketing and marching…and demonstrating…against something which does not affect them…and will never affect them.   But when something like taking prayer out the public school system…removal of the 10 Commandments from the court houses and other federal buildings…removing the words “In God we trust” off  of our U.S. currency…comes up…where are these people?

Prayer was taken out of our school and replaced by sex education…and condoms.  The kids today in school learn less about their A-B-C’s, Math, Sciences etc…than they are about condoms and the ‘birds and the bees.’ 

Kids do not need to learn anything about sex.  Nature through all her infinite wisdom and years of expertise in that department has not needed any help…from the day that Adam and Eve ate that fruit from that tree.  There does not seem to be one time in history that men and women did not know how to get together to procreate.  And now it seems…little kids too.  And I won’t blame it all on sex-education…because that would be foolish and quite absurb of me.  But I do not see where educating kids about sex…does one thing to prepare them for their future in life.

But if they wanted to really to teach them something in regard to youth parenting…then maybe like those ‘Scared Straight’ programs they used to have years ago…perhaps they should take them to a welfare office where they get to meet and talk to some teenage mothers and see for themselves the pitfalls of pregnancy at young ages.   There is nothing like a little one-on-one in reality in order to get the whole picture. 

Or maybe…have them go do work study hours in places like a welfare office or WIC office aiding in in-take service…and they would truly learn a lot that just might give them a reason to pause and to think twice about the consequences of childhood pregnancy.

As I sit here watching the snow…I have been thinking about this guy…this man.  I had met him at an event that I gave a few years ago.  So, whenever he sees me…he likes to greet me. 

Which is fine…I have no problem with that.  It is something I became accustom to through my years in radio.  Everybody wants to grab you…hug you…kiss you on the cheek.  Okay…so, allow it.  It is part of the territory…it goes with the turf when you become popular.

But this guy one day while I was in the library computer lab at school saw me…and he came greeting me…kissing me on the top of my head.  Okay…fine.  I did not say anything about it…but it was on my mind.

But the other day while I was waiting in a bank line…he happened to be passing by and saw me.  My back was to the bank door…and he came up behind me.  He said something to me grinning…and then kissed me to the back of my neck.  I thought nothing of it at first…but later as I got into my son’s truck…in which sat a friend of his whom I was giving a ride to…that is when it hit me. 

That guy had kissed me to the back of  my neck.

I am very picky.  Peculiar…you might even say.  I really do not like people getting too familiar with me…and particularly people who I do not really know.  And besides…he was not even good-looking.  And even if he was…he still out of order…and  I am still picky.

After all, this guy started out by sort of hugging me.  Then he moved on to greeting me with a light kiss to a cheek…then to the top of my head.  And I really should have stopped him then.  So, I put it in my mind that the next time I saw that guy I would have to tell him that he could not touch me again. 

That time came shortly…while I was once again in the library computer lab.  As he approached me…he bent with his arms open ready to embrace me…and I guess kiss me again.  But I happened to catch him…right on time…and drew away from him.

I stopped him saying-

“Listen, shake my hand if you want to greet me.  But do not kiss me.”

He looked at me oddly.

So, I began to remind him about that day in the bank when he had come in and kissed me on my neck.  I told him that anyone seeing that would have thought that we had a relationship and were involved with each other.  Then I asked him what he would have thought if he had been standing off somewhere in the distance and happened to see a man kiss me on my neck.

And you know what he said?

“I would have thought that you were involved with each other too.”

Case close.

I said-

“Look, I am a woman of God.  I cannot just have people walking up to me and kissing me all over the place like that.  Plus that is disrespectful of me for you to do that.  You should have more respect of me to even do anything like that.”

Wow, I have truly grown.  I am a woman.

Gone are the days when I was a child…and people could do anything to me…or with me.

I have control over me.

And I am not having it.

You will respect me.

Wow…  I am woman.

That guy apologized to me…and thanked me for correcting him.  I appreciated him accepting my correction.  Yet…I felt within myself that it should not have been warranted that I should have had to do such a thing.  But men have a way…of taking things for granted…and particularly women.

I felt that many times while working in radio.  I hated when my bosses called me ‘sweetheart,’ and ‘dear.’   It was very demeaning to me…while they never greeted each other in such a way…or spoke to each other in such familiar terms.  Consciously , sub-consciously or unconsciously…such things historically have been designed to keep women in their place.

When I was a child…I was powerless.  When I worked in radio…I had limited power.  Today I am my own boss…I wheel power as I may…but yet…I measure it.  As I know I can be highly intimidating to some.

But this may come as a surprise to some of you.  But I have never been kissed.  Not by the male species. 

I know I have a son…but that does not mean that I allowed that man to kiss me.  And I know that I said in my other blog…that Willis Kattrell…well, he kissed me.  And he did.  But I think my head was in motion when he did it…so he only caught  a portion of my lips.  To the side really…of my mouth.

So, I have never been kissed.  Not really…though yes many women have kissed me…and I them.  But the male species…no. 

I never had a boyfriend…and have never dated men.

I am different…   Not like most people.   And my experiences have been different.

Yet, I am a mother.  And I have a fantastically wonderful son.  I treasure and love him very much.  He too is…different.

This is how I know of generational curses.  It was in my mother’s family.  And I do realize…that generational curses can be broken.  I bear witness to it.

I love the change in my life and look forward to my tomorrow.  Perhaps…my husband.  I now wish I had had other children.  My son often had spoken of it…and still does.

There is this funny thing about me.  After having been sexually abused at a very early age…perhaps before or by the age of 10…only twice and by 2 different  men…but sometime thereafter, I decided that I wanted to save myself for my husband.  I thought I wanted to live in a big house with a white picket fence…with a 2 car gargage…and have all the children that I could have.  So, that is what I did…I decided to save myself…and that is what I did. 

From the point of whatever age it was…10 maybe less…the last time someone had taken sexual advantage of me…I never became engaged again sexually until some time when I was 25 years of age.  At this point…I was only interested in woman.  And not just any woman.  Gay women…women like me.  Women who were upper-wardly mobile and doing something with their lives…professional women mostly in media…though some were doctors, accountants etc…but talented…beautiful…well educated women…who looked and acted womanly. 

Not all women who are gay…look it.  In fact…many do not.  The same is true of men…though the reverse thinking about gays is the myth.

I have no idea as to why I have begun to disclose so much to you…about myself.  I shall have to pounder it.

Ahhh…yes…  The point. 

So, I decided to save myself.  Well, at that point I could no longer save certain things as they had been stripped from me.  My innocence had been stolen from me.  But somehow throughout all the years one thing has remained…my kisses.  So, since I have never kissed the male species…or allowed anyone of that species to kiss me directly on the lips…I decided to save it. 

I am saving it for my husband…it is the least that I can give him.  Unpolluted…un-tampered with…safe within my power…to give…or not to give. So, I am saving it for him.  So, no I am not going to let somebody just walk up to me…or sneak up from behind me…and think that he can just come and steal it away from me…not that too.  Except for…of course…er, uhm…if his name is Willis Kattrell.  (you have just got to read that blog)

And let me just say…that I am still scrubbing my neck today…everytime I step into the shower…I am trying to remove the memory of that man’s lips to the back of my neck.

Well, the snow is slowing up now.   And the kids are on their way home from school.  I better get out and start shoveling.  Enjoy the rest of your day.

http://www.stylelist.com/celebrity-style/style-evolution/michelle-obama

http://www.blackvoices.com/life-style/black-style-beauty/michelle-obama-fashion-photos

Didn’t like the VOGUE cover of  Michelle Obama at all…just goes to prove that nobody can do us better than us.   Thank God for Essence, Ebony, Jet, VIB, Right-On, Black Enterprise…and everything
else we have today.

THE BISHOP’S WIFE  is now on sale…CLICK this LINK to purchase my book.  You do not need a paypal account to purchase, and you can purchase using a debit card.  Thank you. 

God bless…

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on “  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com   ©2009

Add a comment March 9, 2009

Making the most of my day… Mothership and Parenting… Michelle O’ working soup kitchen line…

I must say…if I have to say so myself…that I am so proud of me today.  Oh…I mean this morning.  I do not know what time I got up but by the time I laid back down…it was only 7:57 AM. 

I got up and had my Cream of  Wheat.   And yes…I am still enjoying it.  I had me a cup of tea…and read my Bible and then laid back down.  A few minutes later…perhaps an hour later…I got up again.  I pulled out my bucket…got the scrub brush…and pulled out the cleaners and scrubbed down the kitchen again…then I hit the doors and wall in the small hall leading towards the bathroom.  I sprayed down and lightly scrubed down the bathroom…and left it soaking. 

Wow…yeah….  I think I should be proud of myself…and it is not even noon yet.

There is something about getting up early.  You will get so much more done for some reason or another…if you get up and get started early.  There is just something about getting up early…there really is.  I do not know what…but that makes you work a little bit quicker and harder…and you just acheve more.  And now I feel so good.  And so…so proud of myself for taking care of my parent’s house in their absence.  For me having gotten up early today..and gotten started the very first thing this morning.

I have been busy working on building my website for the past couple of weeks…and the pages are coming along well.  I am really impressed with the pages that I have created thus far.  A few years ago I decided to begin taking some graphic arts classes. 

When I was in New York and started my own homebased business, an advertising agency, Queen Bee Multi-Media Advertising Agency.  I used to hire students from the campus right around the corner from my apartment…Pratt Institute, to do artwork for me.  Pratt has a very high reputation as a good art school…which I never knew at the time…but the students on that campus turned out some fantastic work for me.  I never went to see a client without feeling proud of our presentations which they had prepared under, of course, my direction.

I represented schools, furniture stores, boutiques, concert promoters etc…  There is little about advertising that I do not know about…having also a history in radio sales, media buying, telemarketing, product placement…etc…etc…etc…  But I had always had an artistic bug.

When I was a child, I had begged and begged my mother to buy me a home study art school course.  After begging for some time my mother finally broke down and ordered it for me.  That home study art school cost $300…and my mother ordered it for me.  As much as I begged for it…I only did one lesson of that course.  

Eventually, I gave away one of the books…of which there had been 3.  They were very big and thick…in a large binder…bound in expensive red binding filled with my untouched drawing lessons…and I gave away one of the 3 large lesson books and never touched those books again.  Something that my mother had sacrificed to buy for me…and that I had begged and begged for it.   And I did nothing with it…short of giving it away…and back then $300 was an awful lot of money…that really had to have been a sacrifice.   But she did it for me.

I guess she always recognized that I had talent…that I was gifted.  Though she would have done no less for any of my other sisters or brothers…and did.  As we all had to take music lessons…and all had various interests.  She had bought us all our own instrutments which she had purchased for us one Christmas. 

I will never forget that Christmas…which was our musical Christmas.  My mother must have bought everything the music store had.  Whoever owned that music store must have loved her.  That Christmas morning when we awoke…we found a large electric keyboard, piano, drum set, guiatar & amp and accordian all up under our Christmas tree. 

Before the day was out I had mastered that keyboard and could play several songs on it.  The next day that keyboard was gone.  My mother replaced it was a real full size organ.  I think back on that now and believe that she did it…because it had posed no real challenge in order to learn.   Today both the piano and the organ are still here in the house with me…and nobody plays a note on them.  That is not to say that they cannot play them…they just do not bother to do so.

My father, who had a saxaphone, a ukalie and a trumpet…which you could hear him practicing on sometimes late at night…he made me play the accordian.  When he would come home from work…I would have to pull it out  after he ate dinner that is when he forced me to practice…night after night.  None of my sisters or brothers had to practice anything before him…but me.  And he always would fall asleep on me. 

The accordian which was under the Christmas tree was my 2nd accordian.  It was the bigger version of what they had already gotten for me before a year or so ago.  And I went out every week to accordian lessons for years. 

I hated the accordian.  I loathe pokas.  I wanted to play the piano…and in the beginning I had both piano and accordian lessons.  But daddy wanted me to play the accordian…and we never argued against my mother or my father’s wishes.  So, then my piano lessons were stopped.  

As I stated in an earlier blog…our piano teacher was also my mother’s voice instructor…a little white woman who used to pay a couple of visits per week to our home…Mrs. Marlow.   She was a very nice lady…and she knew her stuff.   We were fortunate to have her.   And that she didn’t mind coming to the home of black folks…though we lived well.  At that time my parents had bought their 2nd house.  This house had 15 rooms not including its full basement…and the house sat upon a hill overlooking the waterfront…with a long driveway leading in to our house.

I liked the house…but not as much as our other house.   But it was grand…and it was spacious…but it was far more for us to clean…and especially for me…being the oldest. 

Oh, man…the living room had windows all the way around so you could look across at the water no matter whether you stood or sat.  And it had a very big fireplace…where we used to roast marshmellows…as though we were at camp.   It was fun.  And that house also had a raspberry tree growing in front of it, with a big lawn and all these beautiful trees with branchs swirling within it that yielded beautiful blossoms in the spring and summer.  

I liked it…but it was a lot of work that house…and none of my sisters or brothers had to do more of it than me.  I never held that against my parents though.  But I did against my sisters and brothers though.  They could never just drink from ‘one’ cup…or ‘one’ glass…I was washing dishes all day and night long.  I truly know how Cinderella felt.

My parents were hard working people…who always did things for other people…and were always doing  for us.    Their lives centered around us.  Which is why I regret never appreciating them as much as I should have. 

I appreciated them…in that I never once caused them any problems…(well…except for the time I thought I could drive…I will tell you about that in some other blog, I am sure).  I can’t say I may not have been a heartache…because I am sure that my being gay was not something hard for them to deal with…though they never once spoke about it.  I am sure they would be surprised that I am no longer in gay life.   But perhaps they had already known that at some point God was going to change my mind and my heart. 

But I never gave them as much as I should have.  Though they gave us the world…and everything else.  There was nothing new that came out that they didn’t buy…from dishwashers on.   As we became of age they bought us all cars.  And we were always going on trips. 

We went to the World Fair…

Do you remember that?  

It was here in the states…in New York City that year.  Now, only the big globe of the world remains at that site as a reminder of that very huge event.  The location today is where they play the US Open.  

But we were going to this place and that place…by train mostly when we were smaller…as we grew and learned to drive…mostly by car…and on by plane.  They took us everywhere…and everything was a family thing. 

I guess they lived the life that people who work…live for.  To be able to buy whatever they wanted…when they wanted it…and to do as they wanted.  And then…to be able to educate and provide for their children…which they certainly did.   And they did it well…as well as, for their god children, neighborhood kids, church people…and those in need. 

My parents had 8 of us…and spared nothing…including correcting us when it was called for. 

Today, I think my mother would be proud to know that her $300 investment in me…really didn’t quite go wasted.   As I later taught art in high school…which is so funny that should have happened…but it did.  But I don’t think my mother saw any humor in my wasting her $300 the way I did…because I didn’t even try to pretend to do any of those lessons from that home art school once I got pass the 1st lesson. 

One day…I think I was asking her for something else and she flared up at me suddenly saying-

“You are too talented and that is why you will never do nothing.”

Which was the tail end of whatever else she had said…I cannot remember the first part of it.  But she was mad when she said it.  And I was quite young…but somehow that always stuck with me.  I don’t know if I quite understood what she meant…but I had somewhat of a clue.  That statement has made me look at everything I have ever done…or thought to do…and it governs the things I am now doing. 

Everything I have ever done is in media.  From that day…when my mother told me …‘that is why you will never do nothing’…I have sought to not  half learn anything…or half do anything…but to become proficient in everything I lay my hands to…no matter how long it takes me…or how many hours in a day or night.  But if I set out to do it…then to stick with it. 

I had to learn how spend the time learning to perfect things.  To not get up from anything that I am doing…becoming readily interested in other things…other gifts…practicing something else. 

I do not eat or drink when I am working on something.   Nor do I take lunch breaks…or go to the bathroom…nothing.  I am throughly engulfed. 

Someone, an ex-,  told me that I have tunnel vision.  Meaning whatever it is, at that point or moment of my life, that I decide that I am going to do…I become so emerged and engrossed in it.  So much so…that I only see it…think about it…and in some cases dream about it.   I eat…sleep…and drink thinking about only what I am doing…when I am working on something.  When I had my advertising business…which I still do…there have been many nights when a client’s project concept came to me in my sleep.

A wise elderly woman…my friend who passed this pass August…whom I have wrote about in a couple of these blogs…she told me that my habit of not eating or going to bathroom from morning into the very late hours of the evening was not a good thing.   She told me that I would ruin my stomach…if I continued that practice.  So, I have since been working on adjusting myself…my schedule and my body.  I would hate to cause myself any medical conditions that I could have avoided.  I had always found her wise in her counsel to me.

Yes, I was too talented…like my mother said.  I could do a lot of things…and still can.  And there is a trap to being able to do so.  Most people are good at just one thing.  So, they focus on that one thing.   But to be multi-talented or gifted…you have to struggle with balancing your gifts. 

I had to learn to direct all those gifts…or I would have become a ‘jack of all trades…and a master of none.’   

My mother saw that…and that is what caused her to flare up at me telling me what she did that day…and how she told it to me.   From that moment I began to focus upon everything I do…like these blogs which to date I have written nearly if not more…than a 130 of them since starting in mid to late June of last year.   So, if you have just started reading them…you have alot of catching up to do.  And you will have an exam in the morning…

I have always had to direct everything…just so I wouldn’t be all over the place.  Though I do not think I have quite been so successful at doing that…I have endeavored nonetheless.  But the most I can say…is that it has all been media related.  But thank God for my mother saying that to me…and at a time when I needed to hear it…or I would have never been aware of something that was so crucial for me to grasp…and to have graspped it early.

It did not prohibit me from being more or less talented.  But made me aware that I needed to channel those talents and not be flighty with them…but to engage them…focus them…and develop them to their highest levels.  So, through my years that is what I have been doing.  And from time to time…I find myself taking classes here or there…just like my mother.  

That is so funny…when I think of.  That I continue to take classes just like my mother…which is also something that I wrote about….in a blog or 2 prior to this one. 

So, a few years ago, I decided to take some graphic art classes.  The marketplace has changed so vastly with the influx of computers and software…everything is done totally differently today no matter what field you are in.  So, I began taking these classes…and when I take classes I invest many after hours outside of the class to master the thing. 

I do nothing without mastering it…and I invest the time to do exactly that…and the effort.  Which when I decided to learn video production… it required me lugging around tons of heavy and very bulky equipment.   It was not uncoummon to find me shouldering a 3/4″ video recorder deck, tripod, large light kit and large video camera trying to board a bus.  And people wonder why I have muscles now…(smile).   And I learned all that equipment…every piece of it…every cable connector…every cable…every kind of editing system, software etc…everything.

It was a joke then…people would see me coming and say-

“Here comes Spike Lee’s sister.”

They don’t laugh any more though.  No, not today…instead they ask about my film projects and what I’m getting ready to do next.  I am no longer a joke…but it did not come without struggle.  Hours upon hours of vested  time, training, exploring…learning what I was doing wrong and trying to trouble shoot on my own…and sitting there until I got it done.  Never looking for pay…but always looking to assist others so that I could learn more and sharpen my own skills.  But I did what it took…and I still do. 

Sometimes even in writing these blogs…I work on them straight for more than 6 or 10 hours…if not more…and it is usually more dependng upon what I am writing about…including searching for pictures…seeking out errors etc.  

A professional is what I am…but a perfectionist is what I seek to be.  

So, to date the classes I have taken in graphic arts are these…Photoshop, Quark and  Illustrator…and additional software I have learned is FinalCut, Adobe Primere, Director, Flash,  Dreamweaver, Avid,  Fireworks…not to mention being able to write and read html…and having learned also all the latest stuff in radio studios.  Though I played a bit  with Freehand and at some point will try my hand at InDesign.  I love playing with this stuff…exploring the capabilities.

So, I am proud of myself  for having gotten up early this morning and gotten off to an early start with my cleaning.  I am proud that the website is coming along too.  And here is a preview , at the bottom of this blog, of something which I did this past week using the skills I have learned in graphic arts.  Those Pratt students can eat their hearts out now.   But those kids taught me a lot though…when they used to come for our conferences to discuss what my clients wanted.

Thank God for my mother and father…which is why I cannot understand that girl in Florida who killed her daughter and posted drawings of skeltons and other things symbolizing her acts.  Clearly, she was troubled.  But a guilty conscience will trouble you everytime.

There is something about mothers…real mothers…that when their child is missing nothing in this world can contain them.  They act in a certain way…they become obssessed…and there is no consoling them.  They are overtaken by grief and concern…and they are not interested in anybody or anything other than finding their child.

Once my son got separated from me.  You will not know the sheer horror that ran all through me during that very brief span of time…but it seemed to me to be enternity.  I was terribly horrorified.  I was overcome and on verge of perhaps loosing my mind.  I had lost my child in a large crowd of people at an outdoor affair which was quite crowded.  One second he was right there with me and the next he was gone. 

I felt someone had stolen him.  And that was all I could think.  I did not know which way to turn.  People were all about me.  I thought to scream out…but suddenly I looked up and across the field.  It was as though a  path had opened up…and there was my son.  One of  our neighbors had found him somewhere in the midst of all those people…and was bringing him back to me.  

I dropped to my knees and embraced my son so hard…I know I must have been crying.   I was so relieved…so happy…so overjoyed that someone had found him…and that it was one of our neighbors.  I never experienced another moment like that…as I learned like every good mother who loves her child or children…how to keep my eyes or hands on my child at all times. 

So, I certainly know the state that a real mother can fall into just believing her child is gone.  She begins grieving immediately…because she will only think of the worst scenario.

That is what I thought about the Susan Smith case.  The mother down in South Carolina…or somewhere south…that said that some black man had leaped into her car while she was stopped at a stop light.  She said that he had stolen her car and drove off with her 2 small children in the back seat.  I do not think that many people had to think twice about that story…but it was her actions following the supposed incident which gave her away.  And likewise…were the actions of this young woman in Florida.  She was out partying and having a good time.  

http://news.aol.com/article/caylee-anthony-documents/373178

When I thought of this young woman’s actions following the supposed disappearance of her 2 year old daughter…it made me think of that teenager who was at the prom and gave birth to her baby in a bathroom stall.  And how she had walked off and left the bady there in that stall.  She had returned to prom dance floor…and continued to dance and enjoy herself as if nothing had happened.  For which she only got 2 years…or something…might have been counselling.

I understand denial.  I understand that mothership may be difficult for many.  But what I do not understand is when someone…a mother…or who be it…commits such acts as these young women against innocence.  I cannot understand it.   I just can’t…I just can’t…   There are so many other options.

Parenting is a process…but some people they are just not equipped or mature enough to handle the responsibilities that it brings.  This is the reason…that I know that young kids should never be bearing children.  Everybody deserves to enjoy their youth…and have a time to grow up before taking on the task of motherhood and fatherhood way beyond the grade school level…and many times even beyond college.  I was 48 years old before I realized that I had become a woman…and that I needed to grow up and start acting like one.  Truthfully.

Not  to say…that I did not mother my child.  Oh, no…  I was at doctor’s appointment, dentist appointment…sitting in the back of  of my son’s classes when I had to…at every open house almost…and when I wasn’t my mother was.  You have to stay on top of your children (just a frame of speech…not literally)…and certainly not in a bad way.  But you have be conscious of them…what they are doing…who they are with…caring of them…and for them.   And you should never feel that they are an inconvenience to you…and certainly never give them to feel that.  

Therein lays the problem for the 3 young women whom I mentioned above.  They felt that they could just rid themselves of their unwanted burdens by doing away with them.  How sad for their children.  How very very very sad……..  Sad.

I was checking through my blogs today…I watch to see what people are reading and who has linked up with me etc…  I came upon this link in which the blogger found fault with a person who was standing in a soup kitchen line…and that person having a cell phone.  The blogger felt outraged because the person was supposed to be down and out…yet he had a cell phone.

I found that to be as selfish…as a time I was waiting in the grocery checkout line.  I never pay attention to what other people are buying…but this person near me…I believe she was just ahead of me but after the person who was checking out.  I overheard her saying-

“Did you see that?  She’s buying shrimps with foodstamps.  And do you see her pocketbook?  Honestly, buying shrimps on our money.”

Overhearing that, my curiosity was pricked…so I leaned a bit and saw that the woman had a Louis Vuitton handbag…a very nice and big one…and very nice expensive coat.  These are things I also never pay attention to.  What do I care about what people have on…as long as they have on clothes…or what type of pocketbook or handbag they have?  

It doesn’t make a difference to me.  

But I thought it a bit aburd of that the woman making the comment…that she was upset about the shrimps being purchased with the government supplied foodstamps.

Now, how stupid is that?

Even if she had gotten upset over the woman’s handbag…that would have been stupid too.

But she got upset…as if  poor people can’t…or should not be allowed to eat shrimp.  And that is not to say that that woman was poor…as none of us standing in that line knew her circumstances.  But to question what people can or cannot eat depending upon what is or is not our preceived notion of them and as to their place or circumstances in life is absolutely foolish. 

Why should that woman in that line…or anyone else in that line…or the whole store, for that matter…care whether or not that woman paid for those shrimps with her foodstamps?

Or whether or not she should eat shrimps or not?

She can eat whatever she wants.  And she had legal tender by which to purchase it.

Perhaps, it is just me.   Maybe, I’m the one obssessing.   Could be…

But I think that some people concern themselves with so many things that really…that they have no right to be thinking about.  As it is simply not their concern…or any of their business…nor their place to assess who can eat or cannot eat whatever. 

Just how dumb is that? 

But that is how I felt about that blog about a supposed poor person standing in a soup kitchen line taking a picture with his cell phone.   And here is that picture…

Yeah, he was standing in a line that Michelle Obama, First Lady Obama, was assisting in at a shelter kitchen feeding needy people in Washington, DC…which I believe she does every Friday.  I imagine a bunch of people were taking her picture including the camera crew that got these shots.  If I was there…I would have taken her picture.  And then asked her-

“Can we get one together?”

And whoever wrote that blog probably would have done the same thing. 

How many times do you come face to face with the President of the United States…or his wife?

“Better start snapping, baby.”

But why should anyone feel that other people…black… checkered….green…poor… or otherwise are not entitled to have certain things?

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2009/03/05/at_miriams_kitchen_michelle_ob.html

That really seems stupid and quite selfish to me…and certanly demeaning.

It is the way I feel when I hear someone say-

“Well, if they couldn’t afford the mortgage they shouldn’t have bought the house.”

 And I have heard this more than a few times…particularly following the last bailout of the banks on Wall Street. 

Did not your parents struggle?

Don\’t we all struggle to pay off stuff?

Most people do.  And they are not wrong to do it.

I believe that everyone wishes they had the money to buy and pay for everything that they want…when they want it…or need it.  But that is not how life is. 

The unfortunate thing about it…is that no one knows what tomorrow will bring.  And we are all looking towards tomorrow. 

When I looked upon house after house..and business after business boarded up in Detroit…I know that those people had been looking towards tomorrow.  But none of them realized that when tomorrow came it would mean that jobs would be cut back.  They did not see that the company they worked for…that their father and grand father had worked before them…that they would be downsizing or laying them off.  Or as they call it now…’re-organizing.’

Who thinks like that? 

 The wrong does not lay with them…most of the people who find themselves in foreclosure…it lays with the mortgage companies which preyed upon people with over inflated interest rates…red lining, offering higher rates to certain people…higher closing costs…a bunch of double talk and small print…with high late payment penalties…and absorbent legal costs which they love attaching to their costs.

I don’t know if any of you have ever had anything repossessed.  But once they repossess your vehicle or house or whatever…the company then comes back at you to extract the money even though they repossessed and sold off whatever it was…and they leave it sitting on your credit reports for years upon years hindering you from getting anything else.   This clearly is double dipping…and these companies…none of them should be allowed to do that. 

Once they have repossess the object…and they have sold it off that should settle the debt.  But no…they come back after you.  And not for the debt minus whatever they got for it…but the entire debt plus all other costs. 

A friend of mine who worked for Greyhound buslines once told me how she had been sold a faulty vehicle.  She said it was a real lemon from the day she pulled it off the dealer lot.  So, she returned the vehicle several times to the dealership who in turn never did anything fix the problem. 

Finally, she became tired of trying to deal with the auto dealer…and just returned back to the car to the dealership where she had bought it.  She said that she drove right up on the lot in the middle of the day and left it there.   She stopped making payments on it…telling them as she left the lot that they could keep their car. 

Years later, however, she noticed that her pay was being garnished…it was the dealership.  They had kept the car but now they were forcing her company to withdraw payments from her pay check in order to pay them for a car which she had given back to them.  And at this point…she just folded her hands and gave up.  She let the company take her money…because she felt that it was a hopeless situation.  

There is something seriously wrong with the system that allows companies to use these kind of tricks to get over on and rob people.  Companies like that dealership abuse…exploit and use the system…to their benefit…a company that knowingly sold her automobile which was not in sound operating condition…and they knew it.

I had asked her if she hadn’t gotten the notice to go to court?   And she told me that she had not.  Without going into court to defend yourself…as I have stated in another blog…the other side wins automatically.  If summoned to go to court…go.  It is scary…yes, but go.

The most that can happen is that the judge won’t decide in your favor. 

There is always a case that you may not receive the  summon…if they have it sent to another address.   These are games that people play.   It is the game that CitiMortgage played against my parent’s property.   But they had not counted on the fact that I knew…by the grace of God…to go into court and file my own complaint against them…to stop the auction…and have since gotten that mortgage nullified and made void.  And believe me when I said…by the shear grace and mercy of God.  That is how it was done.

In closing let me just say…

“Stay away from bad deals.”

If you are interested in something…or getting ready to sign a contract for the purchase of  something and that contract is not in your favor…do not sign it.  Do not go into a deal…or debt…in any type of an agreement in which you are not at least a partial winner.  Or at the very least…where the pain is not so great. 

Sometime, we have all had to swallow a little pain…until we can fix things…like our credit.  But yet beware of the sharks…stay away from them.

In the claim I had to file against CitiMortgage…they claimed that my father had taken a loan against the house for some $27,000 at a 16.20%  interest rate.  This total agreement netted CitiMortgage over $60,000 in interest money…making the total contract for over $97,000 worth of debt against my parent’s house. 

My father would have never made an agreement like that.  And the other part of it is…he wasn’t much of a borrower.  Didn’t have any charge cards or anything like that…because he earned money to pay for what he wanted.  And that is what he did.

Nobody in there right mind would have signed a deal like that.  The company was making 3 times as such as it was giving out…that is robbery no matter how bad your credit may or may not be.  And my father did not have bad credit.  

I knew that document was a forgery even before I saw the signature upon.  So, I took the case to court…claiming that they had preyed upon my father, if indeed he had signed it.  At the time that contract was supposedly sign my father had been diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s which would have rendered him as being legally incompetent to enter any type of legal or binding agreement.  Plus my father had several bank accounts and definitely had at least one which had more money than that in it.   So, I sued…of which I wrote about in a prior blog also.

I continue to pray for you and whatever situation or condition you are facing.  Be encouraged.   And stay away from bad deals.

Well, my little siesta is over…it is time for me to go back to work.   Actually, it ended hours ago.  

I have to finish scrubbing down the bathroom.  And I am getting a bit hungry now too.   But enjoy your weekend.  

I just finished looking out and it looks like snow…again.  But it is warm on the inside.  Though it might be that I am running a slight fever.  Been fighting off a dry cough for the past few days…but I am winning.  Well…some times…I think.

Maybe, I will just finish the bathroom…take a shower and crawl back into bed…and forget about mopping the floors tonight.  It’s late now.

Well…God bless…

Oh…yes, here is a taste of what the website will look like.  Now, you tell me whether or not if  you think some of those classes that I have taken are starting to pay off? 

Thank goodness for a mother who was not afraid to speak truth into the life of her child.

Thank you for reading this blog…and  my others.  Please be sure to continue to share this blog site with your family, co-workers and all your friends… “pass it on “  www.bsmith101.wordpress.com  ©2009

4 comments March 8, 2009